Restoration

I leave Thursday morning for Tennessee to see my dear friend and macrobiotic counselor, Ginny Harper. The last time I saw her, June 2008, I was very ill and the Lord brought her into my life in His perfect timing and used her skills and care to help me turn my health around. We've never been the same. I am really excited to see her and spend some time picking her brain as I further my studies in naturopathic and holistic health and healing. I also need to make some adjustments in my own health and know she will have plenty of advice. I also get a break from cooking, well....I have to be in the kitchen with her because I soak up everything she says and am hoping for some new tricks, but I will definitely eat well. The greater purpose of this trip is for my soul. I need some restoration, some physical and emotional healing, and just some time alone with the Lord......away from the "noise". I know He has great plans, as I prepare my heart to meet with Him in the beautiful scenery and hills of Franklin. It's been quite a road these past months, and I know that purposeful, restorative time is necessary and an absolute gift from God. My heart longs to be still and quiet before the Lord. I have found that through all of the circumstances surrounding us lately, I have been unable to truly sit in His presence and "dine" at His table and listen for His voice. The voice of the Most High, who still speaks.....if we will only listen.

"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15

It excites me to think about what He has for me the five days I am away. I believe I will truly see that "His mercies are new every morning." I believe He will restore my health fully, giving me incredible energy, a renewed mind, and clarity. I know he will sustain me and comfort me, allowing a great healing in my heart. There are some things I know I need to work through and let Him reveal to me in His gentle way. There are some places of hurt that His healing hands need to touch, not without a few tears. Friends, I am so ecstatic about this break. Please lift us up in your prayers when you think about it. Pray for Jacob and I as we are apart for 10 days, time of rejuvenation for him as well as he stays in Chicago. Pray for my poor in-laws who get stuck with the pups. Pray for rain......His soul-quenching showers of love, affection, and peace as we offer ourselves, broken and tired, in need of the Master's touch.


I can't wait to share what God does!

The Nitty Gritty

I feel like so much of the last post was details, details. Well, it was about six weeks crammed into one post. Although, much has happened even since I wrote the last post. I am sure you are all wondering how I am really doing, and I hope you see my honesty and transparency....not just a woman hurting, but one who loves the Lord even more than I did only months ago. One of my greater hopes is that you don't feel sorry for us, and if we are "real-life" friends, don't feel like you have to "walk on pins and needles". The Bible calls us to "mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep" and so many of you have done just that. THANK YOU! Now, my heart is focusing on having joy,"rejoice, again I say rejoice." I am also not here to tie bright-colored ribbons around packages of tragedy. This has been really tough. I remind myself everyday, more than once, that God is still on the throne despite my feebleness and wandering heart. He's so generous and gracious to me, meeting my frustrations and rough days with peace and mercy. It seems like he sends encouragement in perfect timing, a call from one of my friends, a sweet blessing, or just incredible grace. Jacob has his share of heartache and struggles, as he can't be here and fufill that need as a man to care for me as he thinks best. Plus, we're still grieving this loss. Not only this loss, but the year anniversary of the loss of Grace came on August 7th.


First of all, we did get our lab results back from the geneticist. I've known even since the last post, but wasn't ready to share quite yet. I needed time to grieve, digest, muster joy. We lost twins. It was such hard news to bear, it broke my heart yet again knowing we lost two precious babies. We only have ultrasound pics of one baby, so they believe that we lost the other before six weeks. That was our little girl who we named Anna, a name which means "grace" or "favor." The baby that we saw on the ultrasound throughout the 10 1/2 weeks was our little boy, who we named Andrew, which means "warrior". It seemed only fitting since he fought his hardest to live. We decided to name the babies because we know they are real people with personalities and physical attributes. When we get to heaven one day, we will meet them and worship our Creator together. Anna was a chromosomally normal baby and Andrew had Trisomy 14. Trisomy 14 means he had an extra 14th chromosome. There are many trisomal disorders, the most common being Down's Syndrome, which is Trisomy 21. However, unlike babies born with Down's who can survive even with physical disabilities, our son would have been born with severe disabilities. He would not have survived and there would have been incredible complications. Once I learned what the outcome would have been I felt such a peace and thanked the Lord for bringing him into eternity in His perfect time. We also learned that because he wasn't going to survive, that's why we lost Anna as well. We met with our fertility doctor, who has told us that most babies with this trisomy end up being 25-30 week losses, and he was so thankful that this baby boy went to be with the Lord sooner rather than later. He referred us to the same geneticist for a complete work-up on us both since we've had multiple losses. That meeting went better than I could have ever imagined and I had the most gracious man who was incredibly sensitive to our situation. We are currently waiting on those results, knowing they will help us move towards the next step. The Lord blessed us in all of this testing because it is completely covered by insurance! Honestly, not something we were expecting as we were planning on thousands of dollars towards this effort. We felt like the testing was important in our decision to continue trying. If this is to keep happening, then we would move towards adoption. Yes, we trust the Lord could do anything no matter the diagnosis, but the gaining of this information could very well be the Holy Spirit moving our hearts a different path, to something incredible.


Our situation is very difficult right now with Jacob still traveling through October. We're trying to move in the next few weeks and we're praying about his job situation and our future. I am already planning to cut back in hours in six months and take a good sized pay cut, but we feel this is something that God has ordained and asked us to trust Him in. Some days, I find myself in deep despair and others "crazy-lady" laughing. Yet there are some where I look to heaven and in my heart honestly say, "You give and take away, blessed be your name." He only took what he first gave. I've been angry and at times bitter, only to be broken and poured out again. I told our small group that Jacob and I want so badly to suffer well. We don't want to waste what God is procuring in our hearts and in our faith. If he never uses this for any other reason than to grow us immensely, then praise the Lord! I feel so fleshly at times, struggling with envy and bitterness, resentment, a whole list of ugliness. The Lord has pressed us to the fire, but he's pressing for greatness, he's pressing for His glory. Press on! So we cling to truth, as though it's all we have and letting go would mean sinking into the abyss. Great trials bring great promises.


"Trust in Him at all times" Psalm 62:8
"Trust in the shadow of His wings" Psalm 91:4
"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isiah 41:10
"The Lord lifts up his countenance upon you and gives you peace." Numbers 6:26
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28


There are many, many other verses of precious promise. It's so easy to forget in trials the times of great blessing, or missing the "forest for the trees" in the trial itself. We have our lives, each other, and our God. We have had great suffering, but a marriage full of love based on Christ....that God has tested and proven that it can stand life's storms. We have beautiful, perfect children in heaven with Christ. They are full of life and healthy and full of joy worshipping the One who knew them by name before they were. I am a mother and Jacob is a father, a title given to us even though we didn't get hold these babies in our arms. Dear friends, I've so often come to the end of my rope...there meeting the One who never fails, never changes, and loves me with a deep, unrelenting love. He pursues my heart, offering peace that only he can offer.


So we press on.....believing that this is only a season. Even if the darkness doesn't lift for a long time, we are resolved to joy. I can have tough days, but as long as I grasp for joy this won't be in vain. Love is reaching in and picking me back up to set my heart to dance again.

You Never Let Go

This was an unanticipated Blog break.


I'll start off by saying that my love for Christ grows more and more everyday and even in our circumstances I've never been more aware of His abiding grace and love, and just His presence. I've never known such love and felt such prayers being offered up on our behalf. Oh friends, how I'd hoped to put up the posts I had been writing and saving about our new baby, instead I write words I never thought I'd write again, tears I thought I'd never cry again, stream down my face. I'm back on the altar.

Memorial Day weekend we confirmed the news that I already knew in my heart. We were pregnant again, it took 13 cycles, but that test was proof in my hands. I wrote a scripture on a note card and took a picture of the test with it. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12 We were overjoyed. Our fertility doctor had confirmed that I had luteal phase defect (LPD) and needed progesterone support to help an embryo implant. Our first try, we were pregnant. It was the sweetest blessing, we were due the day before our second wedding anniversary, February 1, 2010.

I began the rigorous testing weekly, getting betas that measured the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body, as well as progesterone levels checked. Everything was going so well and I felt so blessed and begin to think about baby feet, baby clothes, nurseries, and how our lives would change. I begin to get a belly about 6 weeks into the pregnancy and we had our first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked wonderful. We had made an appt with a midwife and my doctor would pass me off at 9 weeks. At 8 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the baby was measuring small, but we saw a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yet the whole next week as I waited for a 9 week ultrasound, I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I prayed all day, every chance I had, I begged, I pleaded with the Lord to do something big. I remembered what he had pressed into my heart months before, "I CAN DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!" "Ok, Lord, please give us a miracle. We decided to go ahead and tell Jacob's parents that weekend, it was Father's Day.

Our nine week ultrasound confirmed the worst news I could hear, I HATE these words! "The pregnancy is not going to be viable." There was still a heartbeat, about 80 bpm, but no growth. She gave us some time alone in the dark room. I crumbled into Jacob's arms weeping with a pain unlike anything I'd ever felt. We were told to come back in two weeks and recheck, but there was no way I could wait that long. We walked out into that waiting room full of bellies and babies, and I wanted to run. The reality of it all was more than I could handle. We didn't say a word the whole way home, we made no phone calls, I just turned my face into his arm and wept. No one stopped asking for a miracle, we heard amazing stories of God doing incredible things. Our friends wept with us, prayed over us, approached the throne of grace on our behalf.

That following week I went in for another ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat, about 50 bpm. This doctor, an OB/GYN (not my wonderful fertility doc) told us that we would need to make a decision if we wanted to get results from the fetal testing, think about going ahead with the D&C. I was furious! I told her absolutely not! We weren't doing anything until there was no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for the following Monday and would come to her office first for another ultrasound to check again. Monday we showed up and I held so still to see if I was going into surgery that day. She strategically freeze-framed the baby, never getting close enough to see, but I saw the heartbeat. She told me it was mine, and I knew that wasn't the truth. She again mentioned how they needed to be able to grow more chromosomes and get the tissue to the pathologist. I told her that we needed a moment, I knew I needed to trust my heart. We walked across the street to my fertility doc's office, I had hives all over me because I was so upset. "Lord show us what to do." Jacob said if we were unsure at all, then we would cancel the surgery. Our pre-op check in was in 30 minutes. I prayed his nurses would be there, specifically D who was been so wonderful to us. Well, God worked it out and they were able to do an ultrasound and confirm a tiny heartbeat. I told them I understood the pregnancy wouldn't last, but that taking a life wasn't my place, it was God's. We cancelled the surgery with 15 minutes to spare and headed home, exhausted and overwhelmed. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I was being tortured. I was breaking down, I felt weak and vulnerable. I've never felt so vulnerable spiritually, I begged God to fight this battle for me, to be strong in my weakness. I kept circling in my head, "his power is made perfect in my weakness." Honestly, I begged for him to come for me. That's the most real thing I could muster, "Lord, come for me." I wanted Him to take my hand and wipe away the tears. How could I not ask "why?" I'll be real honest here, many times I wondered, "God isn't it enough that we're losing our child?" "I feel like you've left me!" Even though I knew it was far from the truth, I knew he was near. He was in control...still on the throne, giving peace, granting grace. I've never been so tired in my life.

We did the next ultrasound Thursday with my fertility doctor who is a believer and I knew would be truthful with us. Jacob was in Chicago, so I went alone. I know that sounds crazy, but we had asked God to do what He was going to do, and He did. I was in a place of total peace as I drove to the med center. Life had slipped away, and I let go. This mommy had resolved that she would have peace and know where our baby was at that exact moment. The presence of God was in that room with me, overflowing through loving hands and hugs and great peace. Just as I had wondered only weeks before the exact moment that little heart took it's first beat, now I wondered when it had taken it's last. I did know that in that moment, all of heaven welcomed my sweet baby. Christ was there, just as he had been for our Grace.

We scheduled the surgery for the next day, July 10th. My parents left for vacation that day and Monday Jacob left for work in Chicago. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of bleeding (sorry to any guys who may read this). Other than by the grace of God, I don't know how I made it through those four days until J came home. The following week, I did my best to return to work and life. The bleeding picked back up and I did my best to focus on truth, knowing we'd turn a corner soon. To summarize, I ended up in the ER Tuesday night of this week because I was bleeding too much. It has been 17 days, how could I move to grieve the emotional when the physical was still here knocking me down? They checked for perforations and anything that may have been left from the surgery. I was about to come undone. I was shaking like a leaf as that doctor examined me. The Lord protected my health and the doctor was very kind and concluded that a blood vessel was causing all of this bleeding, but he really believed it was over. He told me to get some rest. My blood count was still good despite all of this, so we came home and here we are today with everything finally calming down.

Whew! Deep breath! Pause, pause. I'm going to be fine, a little wounded, walkin with a little limp (for you Sarah), BUT GOD.....He's been Abba. He's been Daddy to me, wrapping me in His arms. He's been my Comforter, my Rock, Savior, Peace, Hope, Lover of my soul, Faithful One, He's been perfect love and perfect peace. He's big enough, Lord over circumstances. Lord, over life, and over death. He never lets go.

"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder has ministered to me these past six weeks as we've walked in this valley. I found the You Tube version, and posted the link here for yall to listen. It's the perfect song of my heart. He never lets go. Lord, you do never let go. Thank you that you don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8&feature=related

I Heart Spring!

YEAH! My favorite time of year before it gets ridiculously hot here in Houston. Oh wait, it's already in the 90's. Flowers and trees are blooming, birds are singing! Yippee! Time for a macro recipe that we really enjoy:


Spring Lady Peach Cobbler with Coconut Sorbet (from Love, Eric by Eric Lechausser, commentary by me)

For the filling:

8 organic peaches (make sure they are good and ripe for extreme tastiness)
1 cup organic apple juice
3 T kuzu (*see below for a description)
1 t vanilla extract

For the cobbler topping:

2 cups of rolled oats
1/4 cup of organic oat flour
1/2 cup of maple sugar (also at Whole Foods)
1/3 cup of safflower oil

For the sorbet:

1 can organic coconut milk
1/2 cup of organic apple juice
4 T rice syrup (Whole Foods)
1 pinch sea salt
1 vanilla bean, split in half lengthwise


TO make filling:

Preheat oven to 375. Cut peaches in half and remove pits, then slice each into 8 sections. Combine peaches and apple juice in a saucepan, bring to a boil, and simmer for 5 min. In a small bowl, dissolve kuzu in 2T of water. Add the vanilla and kuzu to the simmering peaches, and cook for a few more minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and pour into a 9x12 baking pan and set aside.

To make the topping:

Combine the ingredients in a bowl and pour over the filling. Bake until turns a golden color, about 20 minutes.

To make the sorbet:

Combine the vanilla bean and apple juice in a saucepan and simmer for about 5 minutes. With a slotted spoon remove the bean, scrape the seeds from the bean and pour the seeds back into the apple juice. Add all the other ingredients to the apple juice and whisk well, then transfer to an ice cream maker. Follow the manufacturers instructions for making ice cream (chilling times may vary usually 20-30 minutes). Add a scoop of sorbet onto each individual serving of hot cobbler.


*Kuzu is a white starch from the root of the wild kudzu plant, it is used as a thickener in soups, desserts, and sauces. It is very alkalizing and strengthening to the intestinal tract. It promotes healing throughout the entire body. Available near the seaweeds at Whole Foods

He is Faithful!

I was looking back through the post list and stumbled upon this post that I wrote a little over a year ago.

http://jandcmartin.blogspot.com/2008/04/oh-come-let-us-worship.html

Wow, what a year! WOW, wow, wow! What a place we were in just one year ago. I flipped back in my journal to those months of suffering, refining, trusting, and waiting. The subject lines were all the same, so much pain and times of pleading with Him, begging. Here we sit a year later, different growing pains, but the SAME faithful Savior! Words can't do justice to what God has done in my life, my heart, and my body. Jacob and I are changed people, and I say hallelujah for it!

I was asking then for a miracle that was 15 years in the making, I was Jacob wrestling with God for as blessing, and boy did i get what I asked for! Isn't that incredible?! Our Savior blesses His children and more importantly, He LOVES to bless them. I am utterly humbled, totally and completely enthralled with my Jehovah Rapha, my Healer! My friends, as you can see from that post, I changed my prayers and in turn He changed my heart. I didn't look at a divine healing as impossible, just not something God wanted for me. I had accepted my thorn long ago. I believed that like Paul He could take it away, but deep down I believed He wasn't going to. Oh ME of little faith!!! Oh God over impossibilities, grace overflowing, and miracles in 2008.

We don't SEE friends, BUT we believe....isn't that the real beauty of this life? I would not have needed to trust like I had to, hand held to the fire, unrelenting in my pursuit of needing and desiring Him more than I needed food to eat! Faith looks deeper. We see the darkness of the outside, but God is looking on the inside. Lord, thank you! Thank you for teaching me about faith and for the story of the hemorrhaging woman. Thank you for her faith, many, many years ago to be an example for this woman now whose soul was hemorrhaging.


This verse has been one of my favorites, I even double underlined it in my Bible.


"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10-11 (emphasis mine)


Notice the word himself, He's the one who will turn the tables, He's the one who makes "all things new." He's the one who allows the sufferings, gives us the strength to endure, and the grace to wobble on through it, making a few messes, and coming out just a little closer to looking more like His Son!
My friends, when God doesn't answer you or send His blessing, but instead pours the rain, keep on believing. Believe in His Word. Trust in His promises. Keep looking up. Have faith!


"Often God delays purposely, and the delay is just as much an answer to your prayer as is the fulfillment when is comes."

Swine What? How You and Yours Can Stay Healthy

I know everyone is freaking out about this virus. Can I just say that the media is too much for me? It seems as if the Whole Health Organization is about to declare this thing a level 6, pandemic. Super! I changed my diet and lifestyle almost a year ago and God has used it to change my life! Jacob and I haven't been on a prescription drug since then, we haven't had to go to the doctor for any illness, we feel amazing and are healthy and SO grateful!

If you knew how many foreign viruses entered your body every day, you'd be shocked. However, our immune systems have been built to fight these pathogens off. So, beyond the obvious washing of hands and sanitizers, here's some things you can do to build up your immunity and create a healthy lifestyle:

First and foremost, avoid all typical immuno-suppressing habits. You can start with your diet. Acid-forming foods create an environment in the body where pathogens thrive. Sugar (including high-fructose corn syrup) is the top acid-forming food. Behind sugar would be processed foods (white flour, white rice...Taco Bell), coffee, alcohol, cheese and red meat. Better to limit these foods and focus on adding to your diet alkaline-forming foods such as raw seasonal fruits and raw or lightly steamed vegetables. One of my favorites for Spring and Summer is carrot, apple, and kale juice. I use a juicer for this and it's so good! The digestive enzymes help your body to function and the natural forms of sugar regulate blood sugar and metabolism. You'll feel great and be healthy!

Above and beyond food, stress produces the most acid in the body. I can give real account to this in my own life, as I will often rely on myself and not God, creating unnecessary worry and fear. Be cautious and reasonable and safe, but don't let the media-driven fears pervade your world. The best it may do, in my opinion, is to weaken your immunity and make you more vulnerable to any illness.

Sleep is so important, too. Eight hours, beginning between 10 and 11pm is what you should strive for. A tired body is a weakened body. Give your body the chance to recuperate and rebuild itself. If you have trouble getting to sleep, herbal chamomile tea is fantastic after a warm bath. Also, remember to eat at least three hours before bed, as a full stomach is not good for digestion once your body moves into REM sleep.

Moderate exercise is also key. It is a great stress-reducer and helps oxygenate the body. Yoga is great for relaxation, balance, and helping the body to detoxify. If you are able (and I have to remind you to ask your doctor if you are), an exercise that bounces up and down is excellent. Examples of these are rebounding (mini-tramps), jumping rope, or fast walking/jogging. The more oxygen you have flowing through your body, the better you feel. Just 20 minutes of exercise everyday will boost your immune system and greatly enhances brain function and helps with sleep.

Regarding supplements, they are many things you can take for strengthening the immune system. The most important is a daily multivitamin. I highly recommend Intramax. http://store.druckerlabs.com/Default.asp?Redirected=Y We have had great success with this product, it's some powerful stuff and it tastes awesome! It contains over 415 essential nutrients and is completely organic. They have an Intrakid formula too. Let me know if you'd like me to get you a bottle, I have a supplier here who sells it cheaper than what I have seen online. From there, I would add medicinal mushrooms which have been proven to greatly increase immune function, specifically the activity of natural killer cells. Stamet's 7 Mushroom Blend is my favorite. Anytime I get a tickle in the throat, I add this in some juice with breakfast and feel better immediately. Other great supplements to consider are zinc, essential fatty acids, vitamins C, E and A, Selenium (all of which you should be getting in your multi, but could take additional amounts), as well as astragalus, suma, maca and ashwaganda. All of these support the immune system. Lastly, be sure to take a probiotic. The majority of our immune system is found within the digestive tract. Eating yogurt is not going to do the trick and most yogurts have loads of added sugar.

Blessings and great health,


Cristina

Streams in the Desert

This book came from my great aunt when I went off to college. Before Jacob and I moved back at the end of the year I had found it and put it next to the bed with my Bible. If you've ever read it, then you know how phenomenal it can be. If you haven't ever read it, then definitely add it to the wish list. It has so ministered to us these past months, God has used it to speak into our circumstances and we have been humbled, encouraged, challenged, and just wowed!

A little history on the book. The book was first published in 1925, by Mrs. Charles Cowman who was a missionary in Japan. She compiled a book full of quotes, scriptures, and inspirations that meant so much to her during her ministry. As you read you'll recognize names like Charles Spurgeon, Matthew Henry, and George Matheson along with a host of others who in their time had an incredible grasp on faith, salvation, suffering, etc. The book corresponds to the days of the year, so you can read one every day.

Jacob and I try and read one each night together and we are blown away by how the Lord speaks directly into our circumstances. I don't think there has been one reading that hasn't been incredibly applicable to our lives. I wanted to post one that really ministered to us a couple weeks ago on trials.

"Show me wherefore thou contedest with me." Job 10:2

"Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develop thy graces. There are some of they graces which would never have been discovered if it was not for trials. Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter? Love is to oft like a glow-worm, showing but little light except it to be in the midst of surrounding darkness. Hope itself is like a star---not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black folds in which God doth set the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine better.

It was but a little while ago that, on thy knees, thou wast saying, 'Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith.'

Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials?----for how canst thou know that thou hast faith until thy faith is exercised? Depend upon it. God often sends us His trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery; real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials.

God trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers and climb mountains, and walk many a weary mile with heavy knapsacks on their backs. Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which you are passing? Is this not the reason why He is contending with you?" C.H Spurgeon

To be left unmolested by Satan is no evidence of blessing.