You Never Let Go

This was an unanticipated Blog break.


I'll start off by saying that my love for Christ grows more and more everyday and even in our circumstances I've never been more aware of His abiding grace and love, and just His presence. I've never known such love and felt such prayers being offered up on our behalf. Oh friends, how I'd hoped to put up the posts I had been writing and saving about our new baby, instead I write words I never thought I'd write again, tears I thought I'd never cry again, stream down my face. I'm back on the altar.

Memorial Day weekend we confirmed the news that I already knew in my heart. We were pregnant again, it took 13 cycles, but that test was proof in my hands. I wrote a scripture on a note card and took a picture of the test with it. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12 We were overjoyed. Our fertility doctor had confirmed that I had luteal phase defect (LPD) and needed progesterone support to help an embryo implant. Our first try, we were pregnant. It was the sweetest blessing, we were due the day before our second wedding anniversary, February 1, 2010.

I began the rigorous testing weekly, getting betas that measured the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body, as well as progesterone levels checked. Everything was going so well and I felt so blessed and begin to think about baby feet, baby clothes, nurseries, and how our lives would change. I begin to get a belly about 6 weeks into the pregnancy and we had our first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked wonderful. We had made an appt with a midwife and my doctor would pass me off at 9 weeks. At 8 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the baby was measuring small, but we saw a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yet the whole next week as I waited for a 9 week ultrasound, I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I prayed all day, every chance I had, I begged, I pleaded with the Lord to do something big. I remembered what he had pressed into my heart months before, "I CAN DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!" "Ok, Lord, please give us a miracle. We decided to go ahead and tell Jacob's parents that weekend, it was Father's Day.

Our nine week ultrasound confirmed the worst news I could hear, I HATE these words! "The pregnancy is not going to be viable." There was still a heartbeat, about 80 bpm, but no growth. She gave us some time alone in the dark room. I crumbled into Jacob's arms weeping with a pain unlike anything I'd ever felt. We were told to come back in two weeks and recheck, but there was no way I could wait that long. We walked out into that waiting room full of bellies and babies, and I wanted to run. The reality of it all was more than I could handle. We didn't say a word the whole way home, we made no phone calls, I just turned my face into his arm and wept. No one stopped asking for a miracle, we heard amazing stories of God doing incredible things. Our friends wept with us, prayed over us, approached the throne of grace on our behalf.

That following week I went in for another ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat, about 50 bpm. This doctor, an OB/GYN (not my wonderful fertility doc) told us that we would need to make a decision if we wanted to get results from the fetal testing, think about going ahead with the D&C. I was furious! I told her absolutely not! We weren't doing anything until there was no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for the following Monday and would come to her office first for another ultrasound to check again. Monday we showed up and I held so still to see if I was going into surgery that day. She strategically freeze-framed the baby, never getting close enough to see, but I saw the heartbeat. She told me it was mine, and I knew that wasn't the truth. She again mentioned how they needed to be able to grow more chromosomes and get the tissue to the pathologist. I told her that we needed a moment, I knew I needed to trust my heart. We walked across the street to my fertility doc's office, I had hives all over me because I was so upset. "Lord show us what to do." Jacob said if we were unsure at all, then we would cancel the surgery. Our pre-op check in was in 30 minutes. I prayed his nurses would be there, specifically D who was been so wonderful to us. Well, God worked it out and they were able to do an ultrasound and confirm a tiny heartbeat. I told them I understood the pregnancy wouldn't last, but that taking a life wasn't my place, it was God's. We cancelled the surgery with 15 minutes to spare and headed home, exhausted and overwhelmed. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I was being tortured. I was breaking down, I felt weak and vulnerable. I've never felt so vulnerable spiritually, I begged God to fight this battle for me, to be strong in my weakness. I kept circling in my head, "his power is made perfect in my weakness." Honestly, I begged for him to come for me. That's the most real thing I could muster, "Lord, come for me." I wanted Him to take my hand and wipe away the tears. How could I not ask "why?" I'll be real honest here, many times I wondered, "God isn't it enough that we're losing our child?" "I feel like you've left me!" Even though I knew it was far from the truth, I knew he was near. He was in control...still on the throne, giving peace, granting grace. I've never been so tired in my life.

We did the next ultrasound Thursday with my fertility doctor who is a believer and I knew would be truthful with us. Jacob was in Chicago, so I went alone. I know that sounds crazy, but we had asked God to do what He was going to do, and He did. I was in a place of total peace as I drove to the med center. Life had slipped away, and I let go. This mommy had resolved that she would have peace and know where our baby was at that exact moment. The presence of God was in that room with me, overflowing through loving hands and hugs and great peace. Just as I had wondered only weeks before the exact moment that little heart took it's first beat, now I wondered when it had taken it's last. I did know that in that moment, all of heaven welcomed my sweet baby. Christ was there, just as he had been for our Grace.

We scheduled the surgery for the next day, July 10th. My parents left for vacation that day and Monday Jacob left for work in Chicago. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of bleeding (sorry to any guys who may read this). Other than by the grace of God, I don't know how I made it through those four days until J came home. The following week, I did my best to return to work and life. The bleeding picked back up and I did my best to focus on truth, knowing we'd turn a corner soon. To summarize, I ended up in the ER Tuesday night of this week because I was bleeding too much. It has been 17 days, how could I move to grieve the emotional when the physical was still here knocking me down? They checked for perforations and anything that may have been left from the surgery. I was about to come undone. I was shaking like a leaf as that doctor examined me. The Lord protected my health and the doctor was very kind and concluded that a blood vessel was causing all of this bleeding, but he really believed it was over. He told me to get some rest. My blood count was still good despite all of this, so we came home and here we are today with everything finally calming down.

Whew! Deep breath! Pause, pause. I'm going to be fine, a little wounded, walkin with a little limp (for you Sarah), BUT GOD.....He's been Abba. He's been Daddy to me, wrapping me in His arms. He's been my Comforter, my Rock, Savior, Peace, Hope, Lover of my soul, Faithful One, He's been perfect love and perfect peace. He's big enough, Lord over circumstances. Lord, over life, and over death. He never lets go.

"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder has ministered to me these past six weeks as we've walked in this valley. I found the You Tube version, and posted the link here for yall to listen. It's the perfect song of my heart. He never lets go. Lord, you do never let go. Thank you that you don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8&feature=related