You Never Let Go

This was an unanticipated Blog break.


I'll start off by saying that my love for Christ grows more and more everyday and even in our circumstances I've never been more aware of His abiding grace and love, and just His presence. I've never known such love and felt such prayers being offered up on our behalf. Oh friends, how I'd hoped to put up the posts I had been writing and saving about our new baby, instead I write words I never thought I'd write again, tears I thought I'd never cry again, stream down my face. I'm back on the altar.

Memorial Day weekend we confirmed the news that I already knew in my heart. We were pregnant again, it took 13 cycles, but that test was proof in my hands. I wrote a scripture on a note card and took a picture of the test with it. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12 We were overjoyed. Our fertility doctor had confirmed that I had luteal phase defect (LPD) and needed progesterone support to help an embryo implant. Our first try, we were pregnant. It was the sweetest blessing, we were due the day before our second wedding anniversary, February 1, 2010.

I began the rigorous testing weekly, getting betas that measured the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body, as well as progesterone levels checked. Everything was going so well and I felt so blessed and begin to think about baby feet, baby clothes, nurseries, and how our lives would change. I begin to get a belly about 6 weeks into the pregnancy and we had our first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked wonderful. We had made an appt with a midwife and my doctor would pass me off at 9 weeks. At 8 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the baby was measuring small, but we saw a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yet the whole next week as I waited for a 9 week ultrasound, I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I prayed all day, every chance I had, I begged, I pleaded with the Lord to do something big. I remembered what he had pressed into my heart months before, "I CAN DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!" "Ok, Lord, please give us a miracle. We decided to go ahead and tell Jacob's parents that weekend, it was Father's Day.

Our nine week ultrasound confirmed the worst news I could hear, I HATE these words! "The pregnancy is not going to be viable." There was still a heartbeat, about 80 bpm, but no growth. She gave us some time alone in the dark room. I crumbled into Jacob's arms weeping with a pain unlike anything I'd ever felt. We were told to come back in two weeks and recheck, but there was no way I could wait that long. We walked out into that waiting room full of bellies and babies, and I wanted to run. The reality of it all was more than I could handle. We didn't say a word the whole way home, we made no phone calls, I just turned my face into his arm and wept. No one stopped asking for a miracle, we heard amazing stories of God doing incredible things. Our friends wept with us, prayed over us, approached the throne of grace on our behalf.

That following week I went in for another ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat, about 50 bpm. This doctor, an OB/GYN (not my wonderful fertility doc) told us that we would need to make a decision if we wanted to get results from the fetal testing, think about going ahead with the D&C. I was furious! I told her absolutely not! We weren't doing anything until there was no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for the following Monday and would come to her office first for another ultrasound to check again. Monday we showed up and I held so still to see if I was going into surgery that day. She strategically freeze-framed the baby, never getting close enough to see, but I saw the heartbeat. She told me it was mine, and I knew that wasn't the truth. She again mentioned how they needed to be able to grow more chromosomes and get the tissue to the pathologist. I told her that we needed a moment, I knew I needed to trust my heart. We walked across the street to my fertility doc's office, I had hives all over me because I was so upset. "Lord show us what to do." Jacob said if we were unsure at all, then we would cancel the surgery. Our pre-op check in was in 30 minutes. I prayed his nurses would be there, specifically D who was been so wonderful to us. Well, God worked it out and they were able to do an ultrasound and confirm a tiny heartbeat. I told them I understood the pregnancy wouldn't last, but that taking a life wasn't my place, it was God's. We cancelled the surgery with 15 minutes to spare and headed home, exhausted and overwhelmed. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I was being tortured. I was breaking down, I felt weak and vulnerable. I've never felt so vulnerable spiritually, I begged God to fight this battle for me, to be strong in my weakness. I kept circling in my head, "his power is made perfect in my weakness." Honestly, I begged for him to come for me. That's the most real thing I could muster, "Lord, come for me." I wanted Him to take my hand and wipe away the tears. How could I not ask "why?" I'll be real honest here, many times I wondered, "God isn't it enough that we're losing our child?" "I feel like you've left me!" Even though I knew it was far from the truth, I knew he was near. He was in control...still on the throne, giving peace, granting grace. I've never been so tired in my life.

We did the next ultrasound Thursday with my fertility doctor who is a believer and I knew would be truthful with us. Jacob was in Chicago, so I went alone. I know that sounds crazy, but we had asked God to do what He was going to do, and He did. I was in a place of total peace as I drove to the med center. Life had slipped away, and I let go. This mommy had resolved that she would have peace and know where our baby was at that exact moment. The presence of God was in that room with me, overflowing through loving hands and hugs and great peace. Just as I had wondered only weeks before the exact moment that little heart took it's first beat, now I wondered when it had taken it's last. I did know that in that moment, all of heaven welcomed my sweet baby. Christ was there, just as he had been for our Grace.

We scheduled the surgery for the next day, July 10th. My parents left for vacation that day and Monday Jacob left for work in Chicago. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of bleeding (sorry to any guys who may read this). Other than by the grace of God, I don't know how I made it through those four days until J came home. The following week, I did my best to return to work and life. The bleeding picked back up and I did my best to focus on truth, knowing we'd turn a corner soon. To summarize, I ended up in the ER Tuesday night of this week because I was bleeding too much. It has been 17 days, how could I move to grieve the emotional when the physical was still here knocking me down? They checked for perforations and anything that may have been left from the surgery. I was about to come undone. I was shaking like a leaf as that doctor examined me. The Lord protected my health and the doctor was very kind and concluded that a blood vessel was causing all of this bleeding, but he really believed it was over. He told me to get some rest. My blood count was still good despite all of this, so we came home and here we are today with everything finally calming down.

Whew! Deep breath! Pause, pause. I'm going to be fine, a little wounded, walkin with a little limp (for you Sarah), BUT GOD.....He's been Abba. He's been Daddy to me, wrapping me in His arms. He's been my Comforter, my Rock, Savior, Peace, Hope, Lover of my soul, Faithful One, He's been perfect love and perfect peace. He's big enough, Lord over circumstances. Lord, over life, and over death. He never lets go.

"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder has ministered to me these past six weeks as we've walked in this valley. I found the You Tube version, and posted the link here for yall to listen. It's the perfect song of my heart. He never lets go. Lord, you do never let go. Thank you that you don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8&feature=related

Dear Baby Grace

Sweet Baby Grace,

Today is the day that you were due to arrive. I can't believe time has flown by so fast. We had much different ideas when we first learned about you. We thought we'd get to meet you, get to count your tiny fingers and toes, rock you to sleep, sing songs over you. I would have welcomed the nausea and the stretch marks and swollen feet, if only to hold you. We thought we'd have you here with us and begin a life as three. But Jesus had other plans, didn't He? I have cried many tears of pain and sorrow over your leaving. I have never felt such utter emptiness as I did when you left this place. I have felt angry at times and then I have felt despair and truly my tears had become my food. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, my sweet precious one. Not one day! I want you to know that I promised the Lord that I would wake up today and I would not mourn, no sweet girl, I promised Him that I would praise His name and am resolved to have joy!

God knit you together in me for a short time, and then welcomed you wholly into His arms! What a glorious thought! You were made whole in Him and new, pure as snow. You never felt pain or sorrow. I never had the chance to kiss a skinned knee or combat a high fever, although the Lord knows I would have. I don't have to protect you because you are with the Great Protector. You are a daughter of the Most High and today you stand in His presence. That thought alone makes me smile.

We named you Baby Grace because your short life and memory embodies God's abundant, unwavering grace over our family. He has since poured out His grace and mercy over your daddy and me as we look towards the future with great hope! Never in my entire life have I known more love and faithfulness from Him than I do now because of your tiny life. Even in your death, He was "working everything out for our good" because we deeply love Him. I didn't understand then, but I do now even these few months later. Because of what He took away, we have been given a deeper faith. Praise you Lord, that you do give and take away! I know that even when I can't see He still moves. He stirs my heart to song even when the depths of my soul ache with a misery unlike any I've ever known. He is here, He really never leaves us and He certainly hasn't forsaken your mommy. He reminds me to keep dancing when there are times that I want to sit this one out. We have learned that His plan is more invisible than His face and His ways and thoughts are higher than we can comprehend, and that's OK! He has brought your daddy and I closer than we have ever been, there are times when all we can do is ask Jesus for more grace, more peace, and a deeper faith. We pray everyday that we are bringing Him glory and if this is the road He's asked us to travel for now, we delight in Him and declare that we are His faithful servants! After all, if anyone understands our pain little sister, it's our Heavenly Father who gave up His Son to death. Sweet daughter, thank you for being used by the Lord to teach us so many life changing lessons.

Grace, I often wonder what you look like. Even in your glorified state, do you have my eyes and blonde locks and your daddy's nose and smile? Do you have an amazing sense of humor and a passion for others like the both of us? Do you sing to the Lord the songs He has placed in your heart? Do you have a deep, intimate love for people? Are you an encourager like me? I had a special word from the Lord a few weeks ago as I thought about you. He reminded me how much he loved you and how he made you like me in so many ways! I was moved to tears at that very thought. You are an arrow in His quiver my child. We will see you one day precious baby! I think of that sweet reunion often, and know the Lord will delight in it. More importantly, we can't wait to see Jesus face to face and worship Him with you for eternity.

Until then, Happy Birthday sweet Grace.

Love Always,


Mommy


I debated a long time over publishing this here. This has been a deep, intimate pain which has rocked me to the core and I still can't fully describe it without tears and Kleenex. However, as I prayed over this, I begin to think of all the ways God has already used our story to minister to others going through the same or similar circumstances. I also thought about how He has changed our lives tremendously over these past months, we have never loved and desired Him more. If my deepest desire is to bring Him glory in this storm because we certainly haven't put the umbrella away yet, then I can't keep silent. From the first post on this Blog, I have always sought to share my heart here. Not in some proud, self-righteous declaration but because if you know me, you know my heart. I am simply being me. I am no great saint or even a "super Christian" (far from both), I have really bad days where I feel myself looking over the edge of life and I am ready to give up. I feel like Job, but it's those pesky voices in my head that tell me to "curse God and die", not my friends or loved ones. Then there are days where I do "cast my burdens" and the load is lighter and I "soar on eagle's wings, I run and do not grow weary or faint". Those are the days that I feel just a little smoother in the Potter's hand.

So, as you read this today, wherever life finds you, I hope you see the depth of my love for my Creator BECAUSE, not in spite of our circumstances. Friends I pray for your seasons, seasons of heartache and trial, seasons of joy and blessing, that wherever your life is, you'll cling to the promises of God because He will come for you, comfort you, and make you new.

Deepest Blessings,

-Cristina