Dear Baby Grace

Sweet Baby Grace,

Today is the day that you were due to arrive. I can't believe time has flown by so fast. We had much different ideas when we first learned about you. We thought we'd get to meet you, get to count your tiny fingers and toes, rock you to sleep, sing songs over you. I would have welcomed the nausea and the stretch marks and swollen feet, if only to hold you. We thought we'd have you here with us and begin a life as three. But Jesus had other plans, didn't He? I have cried many tears of pain and sorrow over your leaving. I have never felt such utter emptiness as I did when you left this place. I have felt angry at times and then I have felt despair and truly my tears had become my food. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, my sweet precious one. Not one day! I want you to know that I promised the Lord that I would wake up today and I would not mourn, no sweet girl, I promised Him that I would praise His name and am resolved to have joy!

God knit you together in me for a short time, and then welcomed you wholly into His arms! What a glorious thought! You were made whole in Him and new, pure as snow. You never felt pain or sorrow. I never had the chance to kiss a skinned knee or combat a high fever, although the Lord knows I would have. I don't have to protect you because you are with the Great Protector. You are a daughter of the Most High and today you stand in His presence. That thought alone makes me smile.

We named you Baby Grace because your short life and memory embodies God's abundant, unwavering grace over our family. He has since poured out His grace and mercy over your daddy and me as we look towards the future with great hope! Never in my entire life have I known more love and faithfulness from Him than I do now because of your tiny life. Even in your death, He was "working everything out for our good" because we deeply love Him. I didn't understand then, but I do now even these few months later. Because of what He took away, we have been given a deeper faith. Praise you Lord, that you do give and take away! I know that even when I can't see He still moves. He stirs my heart to song even when the depths of my soul ache with a misery unlike any I've ever known. He is here, He really never leaves us and He certainly hasn't forsaken your mommy. He reminds me to keep dancing when there are times that I want to sit this one out. We have learned that His plan is more invisible than His face and His ways and thoughts are higher than we can comprehend, and that's OK! He has brought your daddy and I closer than we have ever been, there are times when all we can do is ask Jesus for more grace, more peace, and a deeper faith. We pray everyday that we are bringing Him glory and if this is the road He's asked us to travel for now, we delight in Him and declare that we are His faithful servants! After all, if anyone understands our pain little sister, it's our Heavenly Father who gave up His Son to death. Sweet daughter, thank you for being used by the Lord to teach us so many life changing lessons.

Grace, I often wonder what you look like. Even in your glorified state, do you have my eyes and blonde locks and your daddy's nose and smile? Do you have an amazing sense of humor and a passion for others like the both of us? Do you sing to the Lord the songs He has placed in your heart? Do you have a deep, intimate love for people? Are you an encourager like me? I had a special word from the Lord a few weeks ago as I thought about you. He reminded me how much he loved you and how he made you like me in so many ways! I was moved to tears at that very thought. You are an arrow in His quiver my child. We will see you one day precious baby! I think of that sweet reunion often, and know the Lord will delight in it. More importantly, we can't wait to see Jesus face to face and worship Him with you for eternity.

Until then, Happy Birthday sweet Grace.

Love Always,


Mommy


I debated a long time over publishing this here. This has been a deep, intimate pain which has rocked me to the core and I still can't fully describe it without tears and Kleenex. However, as I prayed over this, I begin to think of all the ways God has already used our story to minister to others going through the same or similar circumstances. I also thought about how He has changed our lives tremendously over these past months, we have never loved and desired Him more. If my deepest desire is to bring Him glory in this storm because we certainly haven't put the umbrella away yet, then I can't keep silent. From the first post on this Blog, I have always sought to share my heart here. Not in some proud, self-righteous declaration but because if you know me, you know my heart. I am simply being me. I am no great saint or even a "super Christian" (far from both), I have really bad days where I feel myself looking over the edge of life and I am ready to give up. I feel like Job, but it's those pesky voices in my head that tell me to "curse God and die", not my friends or loved ones. Then there are days where I do "cast my burdens" and the load is lighter and I "soar on eagle's wings, I run and do not grow weary or faint". Those are the days that I feel just a little smoother in the Potter's hand.

So, as you read this today, wherever life finds you, I hope you see the depth of my love for my Creator BECAUSE, not in spite of our circumstances. Friends I pray for your seasons, seasons of heartache and trial, seasons of joy and blessing, that wherever your life is, you'll cling to the promises of God because He will come for you, comfort you, and make you new.

Deepest Blessings,

-Cristina