The Nitty Gritty

I feel like so much of the last post was details, details. Well, it was about six weeks crammed into one post. Although, much has happened even since I wrote the last post. I am sure you are all wondering how I am really doing, and I hope you see my honesty and transparency....not just a woman hurting, but one who loves the Lord even more than I did only months ago. One of my greater hopes is that you don't feel sorry for us, and if we are "real-life" friends, don't feel like you have to "walk on pins and needles". The Bible calls us to "mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep" and so many of you have done just that. THANK YOU! Now, my heart is focusing on having joy,"rejoice, again I say rejoice." I am also not here to tie bright-colored ribbons around packages of tragedy. This has been really tough. I remind myself everyday, more than once, that God is still on the throne despite my feebleness and wandering heart. He's so generous and gracious to me, meeting my frustrations and rough days with peace and mercy. It seems like he sends encouragement in perfect timing, a call from one of my friends, a sweet blessing, or just incredible grace. Jacob has his share of heartache and struggles, as he can't be here and fufill that need as a man to care for me as he thinks best. Plus, we're still grieving this loss. Not only this loss, but the year anniversary of the loss of Grace came on August 7th.


First of all, we did get our lab results back from the geneticist. I've known even since the last post, but wasn't ready to share quite yet. I needed time to grieve, digest, muster joy. We lost twins. It was such hard news to bear, it broke my heart yet again knowing we lost two precious babies. We only have ultrasound pics of one baby, so they believe that we lost the other before six weeks. That was our little girl who we named Anna, a name which means "grace" or "favor." The baby that we saw on the ultrasound throughout the 10 1/2 weeks was our little boy, who we named Andrew, which means "warrior". It seemed only fitting since he fought his hardest to live. We decided to name the babies because we know they are real people with personalities and physical attributes. When we get to heaven one day, we will meet them and worship our Creator together. Anna was a chromosomally normal baby and Andrew had Trisomy 14. Trisomy 14 means he had an extra 14th chromosome. There are many trisomal disorders, the most common being Down's Syndrome, which is Trisomy 21. However, unlike babies born with Down's who can survive even with physical disabilities, our son would have been born with severe disabilities. He would not have survived and there would have been incredible complications. Once I learned what the outcome would have been I felt such a peace and thanked the Lord for bringing him into eternity in His perfect time. We also learned that because he wasn't going to survive, that's why we lost Anna as well. We met with our fertility doctor, who has told us that most babies with this trisomy end up being 25-30 week losses, and he was so thankful that this baby boy went to be with the Lord sooner rather than later. He referred us to the same geneticist for a complete work-up on us both since we've had multiple losses. That meeting went better than I could have ever imagined and I had the most gracious man who was incredibly sensitive to our situation. We are currently waiting on those results, knowing they will help us move towards the next step. The Lord blessed us in all of this testing because it is completely covered by insurance! Honestly, not something we were expecting as we were planning on thousands of dollars towards this effort. We felt like the testing was important in our decision to continue trying. If this is to keep happening, then we would move towards adoption. Yes, we trust the Lord could do anything no matter the diagnosis, but the gaining of this information could very well be the Holy Spirit moving our hearts a different path, to something incredible.


Our situation is very difficult right now with Jacob still traveling through October. We're trying to move in the next few weeks and we're praying about his job situation and our future. I am already planning to cut back in hours in six months and take a good sized pay cut, but we feel this is something that God has ordained and asked us to trust Him in. Some days, I find myself in deep despair and others "crazy-lady" laughing. Yet there are some where I look to heaven and in my heart honestly say, "You give and take away, blessed be your name." He only took what he first gave. I've been angry and at times bitter, only to be broken and poured out again. I told our small group that Jacob and I want so badly to suffer well. We don't want to waste what God is procuring in our hearts and in our faith. If he never uses this for any other reason than to grow us immensely, then praise the Lord! I feel so fleshly at times, struggling with envy and bitterness, resentment, a whole list of ugliness. The Lord has pressed us to the fire, but he's pressing for greatness, he's pressing for His glory. Press on! So we cling to truth, as though it's all we have and letting go would mean sinking into the abyss. Great trials bring great promises.


"Trust in Him at all times" Psalm 62:8
"Trust in the shadow of His wings" Psalm 91:4
"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isiah 41:10
"The Lord lifts up his countenance upon you and gives you peace." Numbers 6:26
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28


There are many, many other verses of precious promise. It's so easy to forget in trials the times of great blessing, or missing the "forest for the trees" in the trial itself. We have our lives, each other, and our God. We have had great suffering, but a marriage full of love based on Christ....that God has tested and proven that it can stand life's storms. We have beautiful, perfect children in heaven with Christ. They are full of life and healthy and full of joy worshipping the One who knew them by name before they were. I am a mother and Jacob is a father, a title given to us even though we didn't get hold these babies in our arms. Dear friends, I've so often come to the end of my rope...there meeting the One who never fails, never changes, and loves me with a deep, unrelenting love. He pursues my heart, offering peace that only he can offer.


So we press on.....believing that this is only a season. Even if the darkness doesn't lift for a long time, we are resolved to joy. I can have tough days, but as long as I grasp for joy this won't be in vain. Love is reaching in and picking me back up to set my heart to dance again.