If you've never listened to Kari Jobe, then you need to go and download her album right now!!
I've been listening to the song, You Are For Me by her for the last two days and let me tell ya, that song is anointed! I wept the first time I heard it. I needed those words to permeate my soul.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tCXObtC_fk&feature=PlayList&p=FD8F64DB50F21234&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=45
Friday, October 9, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
What's for Dinner at the Martin's??
Ah, the beginnings of Fall, leaves falling, cooler weather, winter squash, and COLLEGE FOOTBALL! Well, it's game day at our house. Of course, we're watching the T-sips, but I do love my husband and will allow him to watch his team in peace and with a full belly.
I made him a delicious, protein-packed game day dinner, here was the menu:
Black Soybean Succotash
Wild Rice Pesto
Gingered-Glazed Acorn Squash
Garlicky Collard Greens
Red Radish Pickles
Apples with Almond Cream
After 1 1/2 hours in the kitchen, we sat down (thank you Tivo) for this delicious meal. Let's just say, Jacob's plate was sparking clean! I so love feeding him after he's been traveling all week, especially a healthy, whole meal. I thought I would share the recipes of our top two favorites from the meal tonight.
Black Bean Succotash-from Glow by Christina Pirello
1 cup of black soybeans, rinsed well, towel-dried (I have to order these, let me know if you can find them in Houston)
1 inch piece of Kombu (seaweed isle at Whole Foods, this is amazing stuff, aka Nature's Beano, works to help the digestibility of the beans)
3 cups spring water
2 T of EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)
1 yellow onion diced
Soy Sauce
1 t mirin (rice wine also at WF)
2 cups fresh or frozen corn kernels
1 cup plain soymilk
3 to 4 T of fresh chives, finely minced
Heat a dry skillet over med heat and pan toast the soybeans. They will wrinkle and split open, revealing a white line down the middle of the bean. When about 80% are split and the smell is fragrant, transfer to a pressure cooker with kombu. Add water, bring to a boil and boil uncovered for 5 min. Seal the pressure cooker, bring to full pressure, reduce heat to low and cook for 45 min. Remove from heat and allow pressure to decrease naturally.
Meanwhile, add the oil and onion and saute over med heat. When onion begins to sizzle, add a dash of soy sauce until limp, about 2 min. Stir in mirin, corn, and soy milk, season lightly with soy sauce, reduce heat to low, and simmer for about 5-7 min, until slightly thickened. Add the beans and cook for another 2 min to blend the flavors. Remove from heat and stir in the chives.
Black soybeans are used to restore reproductive health, esp great for PMS, as well as cooling and relaxing the body.
Ginger-Glazed Acorn Squash-from Cooking the Whole Foods Way by Christina Pirello
2 acorn squash, halved lengthwise and seeds removed
Spring Water
3 T Safflower oil
3 T brown rice syrup
2 t of powdered ginger
Dash of nutmeg
Dash of cinnamon
Sea salt
5 T of fruit-sweetened apricot preserves
Preheat oven to 350F. Lightly oil a baking dish and place squash halves cut side down in dish, add a little water and bake for 20 min. Whisk together oil, rice syrup, spices, and preserves. Remove squash from oven and turn up. Brush insides with syrup and spoon the rest in the hollow. Cover loosely with foil and return to oven. Bake until tender about 35 min. Serve hot.
These are incredible, delicious and as sweet as any dessert! Acorn squash have quickly stolen my heart as the tastiest and most versatile squash. One of the many reasons I love Fall.
Happy, healthy, and whole eating to you!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Normal Female, Normal Male!!
"Give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for his steadfast love endures forever." Jer 33:11
This news deserved a post of it's own. We received our test results from the geneticist and neither of us have any genetic issues!! Praise the Lord! This has been a huge burden lifted off of our shoulders and now we can continue to move forward in hopes of the great blessing of a baby. We did learn that I am heterozygous for a clotting condition called MTHFR, but so are 40% of Caucasian women. I met with our fertility doc on Tuesday and he said it's nothing to worry about. He's going to put me on high dose folate because this specific factor can rob the body of folate, as well as baby aspirin through my first trimester. Of course, I will be using Nattokinase, which is an enzyme that enhances the body's ability to fight blood clots, thus accomplishing the same purpose as a baby aspirin.
So, we continue to trust in God's plan for our lives and hold onto truth. I have been reading/studying Jeremiah lately, specifically the Lord's promise for restoration of Israel and His people:
"I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and my soul. For thus says the Lord: Just as I have brought all of this great disaster upon this people, so I will bring upon them all the good that I promise them." 32:41-43
"And this city shall be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth who shall hear of all the good that I do to them." 33:9
He's been really good to us, we are so blessed. So many of you have sent messages of great encouragement to me, and I just want you to know the blessing you have been to the both of us and how the Lord has used your words to confirm what He's doing in us and through us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for praying, we ask for continued prayer for wisdom, steadfastness, and peace. I believe in my heart that good things are coming, this has been a season, but a season that I am so grateful for.
-Cristina
This news deserved a post of it's own. We received our test results from the geneticist and neither of us have any genetic issues!! Praise the Lord! This has been a huge burden lifted off of our shoulders and now we can continue to move forward in hopes of the great blessing of a baby. We did learn that I am heterozygous for a clotting condition called MTHFR, but so are 40% of Caucasian women. I met with our fertility doc on Tuesday and he said it's nothing to worry about. He's going to put me on high dose folate because this specific factor can rob the body of folate, as well as baby aspirin through my first trimester. Of course, I will be using Nattokinase, which is an enzyme that enhances the body's ability to fight blood clots, thus accomplishing the same purpose as a baby aspirin.
So, we continue to trust in God's plan for our lives and hold onto truth. I have been reading/studying Jeremiah lately, specifically the Lord's promise for restoration of Israel and His people:
"I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and my soul. For thus says the Lord: Just as I have brought all of this great disaster upon this people, so I will bring upon them all the good that I promise them." 32:41-43
"And this city shall be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth who shall hear of all the good that I do to them." 33:9
He's been really good to us, we are so blessed. So many of you have sent messages of great encouragement to me, and I just want you to know the blessing you have been to the both of us and how the Lord has used your words to confirm what He's doing in us and through us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for praying, we ask for continued prayer for wisdom, steadfastness, and peace. I believe in my heart that good things are coming, this has been a season, but a season that I am so grateful for.
-Cristina
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Trip to TN
Well, obviously I am back. Been back for a few weeks now, but we moved the following week and then headed to Austin for a wedding over the holiday weekend. I am just now catching up.
Tennessee was wonderful! I had the best time getting to see my dear friend. I am so proud of her as she ventures into her own business and is working in Spain for an amazing wellness clinic! I am jealous, she has the most amazing view in the world to wake up to everyday! We caught up over tea and I started unwinding right away. She has the best back porch in the world, beautiful trees and the weather was perfect! The season is changing so every time the wind would blow, the leaves would flutter to the ground.
On arrival I met one of Ginny's clients who I had been super excited to meet. She is a young girl, 10 years old, who was diagnosed with Crohn's and at the peak of her illness was in the hospital for six weeks with doctors threatening to remove her entire colon! She has worked with Ginny and made remarkable progress in only months. It was great to meet her and her family, they are incredibly precious people. While I was there, Ginny hosted a cooking class for 18 people. Her sister, mother, and I assisted with the class and I actually got to share my testimony of healing with all of these people. The four moms that were there with their four young daughters amaze me! If you all read my Blog, please know how much you blessed me seeing your heart-and-soul dedication to your girls to help them become healthy again. Your faith and hearts made me so thankful for my own family who sacrificed so much for me to be healthy. It was very emotional for me to hear your hearts poured out, I thanked God again for bringing me to Ginny. We did a support group for all of these ladies and it was amazing to watch Ginny in action, helping them, encouraging them, and supporting the wonderful progress that's already been made with their girls.
I ate so well, had some great therapies done (shiatsu, reiki, infrared sauna, and foot baths), spent some amazing time outside, read, journaled, listened to worship music. Ginny also took me to a church function Friday night, in which I was "forced" to square dance. I have to admit, it was pretty fun! It all was exactly what I needed. I felt like a new woman when I got back.
We are praying about my next step into holistic and natural medicine. It's exciting to see how God is using this in our lives to help encourage others in their own health. I am already working with Ginny as her client coach, working with clients for a month after they begin the program. I have such a heart to help others who are struggling with illness. I know God has put that passion in my heart and it will be exciting to see exactly where He takes me.
Tennessee was wonderful! I had the best time getting to see my dear friend. I am so proud of her as she ventures into her own business and is working in Spain for an amazing wellness clinic! I am jealous, she has the most amazing view in the world to wake up to everyday! We caught up over tea and I started unwinding right away. She has the best back porch in the world, beautiful trees and the weather was perfect! The season is changing so every time the wind would blow, the leaves would flutter to the ground.
On arrival I met one of Ginny's clients who I had been super excited to meet. She is a young girl, 10 years old, who was diagnosed with Crohn's and at the peak of her illness was in the hospital for six weeks with doctors threatening to remove her entire colon! She has worked with Ginny and made remarkable progress in only months. It was great to meet her and her family, they are incredibly precious people. While I was there, Ginny hosted a cooking class for 18 people. Her sister, mother, and I assisted with the class and I actually got to share my testimony of healing with all of these people. The four moms that were there with their four young daughters amaze me! If you all read my Blog, please know how much you blessed me seeing your heart-and-soul dedication to your girls to help them become healthy again. Your faith and hearts made me so thankful for my own family who sacrificed so much for me to be healthy. It was very emotional for me to hear your hearts poured out, I thanked God again for bringing me to Ginny. We did a support group for all of these ladies and it was amazing to watch Ginny in action, helping them, encouraging them, and supporting the wonderful progress that's already been made with their girls.
I ate so well, had some great therapies done (shiatsu, reiki, infrared sauna, and foot baths), spent some amazing time outside, read, journaled, listened to worship music. Ginny also took me to a church function Friday night, in which I was "forced" to square dance. I have to admit, it was pretty fun! It all was exactly what I needed. I felt like a new woman when I got back.
We are praying about my next step into holistic and natural medicine. It's exciting to see how God is using this in our lives to help encourage others in their own health. I am already working with Ginny as her client coach, working with clients for a month after they begin the program. I have such a heart to help others who are struggling with illness. I know God has put that passion in my heart and it will be exciting to see exactly where He takes me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Restoration
I leave Thursday morning for Tennessee to see my dear friend and macrobiotic counselor, Ginny Harper. The last time I saw her, June 2008, I was very ill and the Lord brought her into my life in His perfect timing and used her skills and care to help me turn my health around. We've never been the same. I am really excited to see her and spend some time picking her brain as I further my studies in naturopathic and holistic health and healing. I also need to make some adjustments in my own health and know she will have plenty of advice. I also get a break from cooking, well....I have to be in the kitchen with her because I soak up everything she says and am hoping for some new tricks, but I will definitely eat well. The greater purpose of this trip is for my soul. I need some restoration, some physical and emotional healing, and just some time alone with the Lord......away from the "noise". I know He has great plans, as I prepare my heart to meet with Him in the beautiful scenery and hills of Franklin. It's been quite a road these past months, and I know that purposeful, restorative time is necessary and an absolute gift from God. My heart longs to be still and quiet before the Lord. I have found that through all of the circumstances surrounding us lately, I have been unable to truly sit in His presence and "dine" at His table and listen for His voice. The voice of the Most High, who still speaks.....if we will only listen.
"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15
It excites me to think about what He has for me the five days I am away. I believe I will truly see that "His mercies are new every morning." I believe He will restore my health fully, giving me incredible energy, a renewed mind, and clarity. I know he will sustain me and comfort me, allowing a great healing in my heart. There are some things I know I need to work through and let Him reveal to me in His gentle way. There are some places of hurt that His healing hands need to touch, not without a few tears. Friends, I am so ecstatic about this break. Please lift us up in your prayers when you think about it. Pray for Jacob and I as we are apart for 10 days, time of rejuvenation for him as well as he stays in Chicago. Pray for my poor in-laws who get stuck with the pups. Pray for rain......His soul-quenching showers of love, affection, and peace as we offer ourselves, broken and tired, in need of the Master's touch.
I can't wait to share what God does!
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Nitty Gritty
I feel like so much of the last post was details, details. Well, it was about six weeks crammed into one post. Although, much has happened even since I wrote the last post. I am sure you are all wondering how I am really doing, and I hope you see my honesty and transparency....not just a woman hurting, but one who loves the Lord even more than I did only months ago. One of my greater hopes is that you don't feel sorry for us, and if we are "real-life" friends, don't feel like you have to "walk on pins and needles". The Bible calls us to "mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep" and so many of you have done just that. THANK YOU! Now, my heart is focusing on having joy,"rejoice, again I say rejoice." I am also not here to tie bright-colored ribbons around packages of tragedy. This has been really tough. I remind myself everyday, more than once, that God is still on the throne despite my feebleness and wandering heart. He's so generous and gracious to me, meeting my frustrations and rough days with peace and mercy. It seems like he sends encouragement in perfect timing, a call from one of my friends, a sweet blessing, or just incredible grace. Jacob has his share of heartache and struggles, as he can't be here and fufill that need as a man to care for me as he thinks best. Plus, we're still grieving this loss. Not only this loss, but the year anniversary of the loss of Grace came on August 7th.
First of all, we did get our lab results back from the geneticist. I've known even since the last post, but wasn't ready to share quite yet. I needed time to grieve, digest, muster joy. We lost twins. It was such hard news to bear, it broke my heart yet again knowing we lost two precious babies. We only have ultrasound pics of one baby, so they believe that we lost the other before six weeks. That was our little girl who we named Anna, a name which means "grace" or "favor." The baby that we saw on the ultrasound throughout the 10 1/2 weeks was our little boy, who we named Andrew, which means "warrior". It seemed only fitting since he fought his hardest to live. We decided to name the babies because we know they are real people with personalities and physical attributes. When we get to heaven one day, we will meet them and worship our Creator together. Anna was a chromosomally normal baby and Andrew had Trisomy 14. Trisomy 14 means he had an extra 14th chromosome. There are many trisomal disorders, the most common being Down's Syndrome, which is Trisomy 21. However, unlike babies born with Down's who can survive even with physical disabilities, our son would have been born with severe disabilities. He would not have survived and there would have been incredible complications. Once I learned what the outcome would have been I felt such a peace and thanked the Lord for bringing him into eternity in His perfect time. We also learned that because he wasn't going to survive, that's why we lost Anna as well. We met with our fertility doctor, who has told us that most babies with this trisomy end up being 25-30 week losses, and he was so thankful that this baby boy went to be with the Lord sooner rather than later. He referred us to the same geneticist for a complete work-up on us both since we've had multiple losses. That meeting went better than I could have ever imagined and I had the most gracious man who was incredibly sensitive to our situation. We are currently waiting on those results, knowing they will help us move towards the next step. The Lord blessed us in all of this testing because it is completely covered by insurance! Honestly, not something we were expecting as we were planning on thousands of dollars towards this effort. We felt like the testing was important in our decision to continue trying. If this is to keep happening, then we would move towards adoption. Yes, we trust the Lord could do anything no matter the diagnosis, but the gaining of this information could very well be the Holy Spirit moving our hearts a different path, to something incredible.
Our situation is very difficult right now with Jacob still traveling through October. We're trying to move in the next few weeks and we're praying about his job situation and our future. I am already planning to cut back in hours in six months and take a good sized pay cut, but we feel this is something that God has ordained and asked us to trust Him in. Some days, I find myself in deep despair and others "crazy-lady" laughing. Yet there are some where I look to heaven and in my heart honestly say, "You give and take away, blessed be your name." He only took what he first gave. I've been angry and at times bitter, only to be broken and poured out again. I told our small group that Jacob and I want so badly to suffer well. We don't want to waste what God is procuring in our hearts and in our faith. If he never uses this for any other reason than to grow us immensely, then praise the Lord! I feel so fleshly at times, struggling with envy and bitterness, resentment, a whole list of ugliness. The Lord has pressed us to the fire, but he's pressing for greatness, he's pressing for His glory. Press on! So we cling to truth, as though it's all we have and letting go would mean sinking into the abyss. Great trials bring great promises.
"Trust in Him at all times" Psalm 62:8
"Trust in the shadow of His wings" Psalm 91:4
"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isiah 41:10
"The Lord lifts up his countenance upon you and gives you peace." Numbers 6:26
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
There are many, many other verses of precious promise. It's so easy to forget in trials the times of great blessing, or missing the "forest for the trees" in the trial itself. We have our lives, each other, and our God. We have had great suffering, but a marriage full of love based on Christ....that God has tested and proven that it can stand life's storms. We have beautiful, perfect children in heaven with Christ. They are full of life and healthy and full of joy worshipping the One who knew them by name before they were. I am a mother and Jacob is a father, a title given to us even though we didn't get hold these babies in our arms. Dear friends, I've so often come to the end of my rope...there meeting the One who never fails, never changes, and loves me with a deep, unrelenting love. He pursues my heart, offering peace that only he can offer.
So we press on.....believing that this is only a season. Even if the darkness doesn't lift for a long time, we are resolved to joy. I can have tough days, but as long as I grasp for joy this won't be in vain. Love is reaching in and picking me back up to set my heart to dance again.
First of all, we did get our lab results back from the geneticist. I've known even since the last post, but wasn't ready to share quite yet. I needed time to grieve, digest, muster joy. We lost twins. It was such hard news to bear, it broke my heart yet again knowing we lost two precious babies. We only have ultrasound pics of one baby, so they believe that we lost the other before six weeks. That was our little girl who we named Anna, a name which means "grace" or "favor." The baby that we saw on the ultrasound throughout the 10 1/2 weeks was our little boy, who we named Andrew, which means "warrior". It seemed only fitting since he fought his hardest to live. We decided to name the babies because we know they are real people with personalities and physical attributes. When we get to heaven one day, we will meet them and worship our Creator together. Anna was a chromosomally normal baby and Andrew had Trisomy 14. Trisomy 14 means he had an extra 14th chromosome. There are many trisomal disorders, the most common being Down's Syndrome, which is Trisomy 21. However, unlike babies born with Down's who can survive even with physical disabilities, our son would have been born with severe disabilities. He would not have survived and there would have been incredible complications. Once I learned what the outcome would have been I felt such a peace and thanked the Lord for bringing him into eternity in His perfect time. We also learned that because he wasn't going to survive, that's why we lost Anna as well. We met with our fertility doctor, who has told us that most babies with this trisomy end up being 25-30 week losses, and he was so thankful that this baby boy went to be with the Lord sooner rather than later. He referred us to the same geneticist for a complete work-up on us both since we've had multiple losses. That meeting went better than I could have ever imagined and I had the most gracious man who was incredibly sensitive to our situation. We are currently waiting on those results, knowing they will help us move towards the next step. The Lord blessed us in all of this testing because it is completely covered by insurance! Honestly, not something we were expecting as we were planning on thousands of dollars towards this effort. We felt like the testing was important in our decision to continue trying. If this is to keep happening, then we would move towards adoption. Yes, we trust the Lord could do anything no matter the diagnosis, but the gaining of this information could very well be the Holy Spirit moving our hearts a different path, to something incredible.
Our situation is very difficult right now with Jacob still traveling through October. We're trying to move in the next few weeks and we're praying about his job situation and our future. I am already planning to cut back in hours in six months and take a good sized pay cut, but we feel this is something that God has ordained and asked us to trust Him in. Some days, I find myself in deep despair and others "crazy-lady" laughing. Yet there are some where I look to heaven and in my heart honestly say, "You give and take away, blessed be your name." He only took what he first gave. I've been angry and at times bitter, only to be broken and poured out again. I told our small group that Jacob and I want so badly to suffer well. We don't want to waste what God is procuring in our hearts and in our faith. If he never uses this for any other reason than to grow us immensely, then praise the Lord! I feel so fleshly at times, struggling with envy and bitterness, resentment, a whole list of ugliness. The Lord has pressed us to the fire, but he's pressing for greatness, he's pressing for His glory. Press on! So we cling to truth, as though it's all we have and letting go would mean sinking into the abyss. Great trials bring great promises.
"Trust in Him at all times" Psalm 62:8
"Trust in the shadow of His wings" Psalm 91:4
"My presence will go with you and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isiah 41:10
"The Lord lifts up his countenance upon you and gives you peace." Numbers 6:26
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
There are many, many other verses of precious promise. It's so easy to forget in trials the times of great blessing, or missing the "forest for the trees" in the trial itself. We have our lives, each other, and our God. We have had great suffering, but a marriage full of love based on Christ....that God has tested and proven that it can stand life's storms. We have beautiful, perfect children in heaven with Christ. They are full of life and healthy and full of joy worshipping the One who knew them by name before they were. I am a mother and Jacob is a father, a title given to us even though we didn't get hold these babies in our arms. Dear friends, I've so often come to the end of my rope...there meeting the One who never fails, never changes, and loves me with a deep, unrelenting love. He pursues my heart, offering peace that only he can offer.
So we press on.....believing that this is only a season. Even if the darkness doesn't lift for a long time, we are resolved to joy. I can have tough days, but as long as I grasp for joy this won't be in vain. Love is reaching in and picking me back up to set my heart to dance again.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
You Never Let Go
This was an unanticipated Blog break.
I'll start off by saying that my love for Christ grows more and more everyday and even in our circumstances I've never been more aware of His abiding grace and love, and just His presence. I've never known such love and felt such prayers being offered up on our behalf. Oh friends, how I'd hoped to put up the posts I had been writing and saving about our new baby, instead I write words I never thought I'd write again, tears I thought I'd never cry again, stream down my face. I'm back on the altar.
Memorial Day weekend we confirmed the news that I already knew in my heart. We were pregnant again, it took 13 cycles, but that test was proof in my hands. I wrote a scripture on a note card and took a picture of the test with it. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12 We were overjoyed. Our fertility doctor had confirmed that I had luteal phase defect (LPD) and needed progesterone support to help an embryo implant. Our first try, we were pregnant. It was the sweetest blessing, we were due the day before our second wedding anniversary, February 1, 2010.
I began the rigorous testing weekly, getting betas that measured the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body, as well as progesterone levels checked. Everything was going so well and I felt so blessed and begin to think about baby feet, baby clothes, nurseries, and how our lives would change. I begin to get a belly about 6 weeks into the pregnancy and we had our first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked wonderful. We had made an appt with a midwife and my doctor would pass me off at 9 weeks. At 8 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the baby was measuring small, but we saw a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yet the whole next week as I waited for a 9 week ultrasound, I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I prayed all day, every chance I had, I begged, I pleaded with the Lord to do something big. I remembered what he had pressed into my heart months before, "I CAN DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!" "Ok, Lord, please give us a miracle. We decided to go ahead and tell Jacob's parents that weekend, it was Father's Day.
Our nine week ultrasound confirmed the worst news I could hear, I HATE these words! "The pregnancy is not going to be viable." There was still a heartbeat, about 80 bpm, but no growth. She gave us some time alone in the dark room. I crumbled into Jacob's arms weeping with a pain unlike anything I'd ever felt. We were told to come back in two weeks and recheck, but there was no way I could wait that long. We walked out into that waiting room full of bellies and babies, and I wanted to run. The reality of it all was more than I could handle. We didn't say a word the whole way home, we made no phone calls, I just turned my face into his arm and wept. No one stopped asking for a miracle, we heard amazing stories of God doing incredible things. Our friends wept with us, prayed over us, approached the throne of grace on our behalf.
That following week I went in for another ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat, about 50 bpm. This doctor, an OB/GYN (not my wonderful fertility doc) told us that we would need to make a decision if we wanted to get results from the fetal testing, think about going ahead with the D&C. I was furious! I told her absolutely not! We weren't doing anything until there was no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for the following Monday and would come to her office first for another ultrasound to check again. Monday we showed up and I held so still to see if I was going into surgery that day. She strategically freeze-framed the baby, never getting close enough to see, but I saw the heartbeat. She told me it was mine, and I knew that wasn't the truth. She again mentioned how they needed to be able to grow more chromosomes and get the tissue to the pathologist. I told her that we needed a moment, I knew I needed to trust my heart. We walked across the street to my fertility doc's office, I had hives all over me because I was so upset. "Lord show us what to do." Jacob said if we were unsure at all, then we would cancel the surgery. Our pre-op check in was in 30 minutes. I prayed his nurses would be there, specifically D who was been so wonderful to us. Well, God worked it out and they were able to do an ultrasound and confirm a tiny heartbeat. I told them I understood the pregnancy wouldn't last, but that taking a life wasn't my place, it was God's. We cancelled the surgery with 15 minutes to spare and headed home, exhausted and overwhelmed. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I was being tortured. I was breaking down, I felt weak and vulnerable. I've never felt so vulnerable spiritually, I begged God to fight this battle for me, to be strong in my weakness. I kept circling in my head, "his power is made perfect in my weakness." Honestly, I begged for him to come for me. That's the most real thing I could muster, "Lord, come for me." I wanted Him to take my hand and wipe away the tears. How could I not ask "why?" I'll be real honest here, many times I wondered, "God isn't it enough that we're losing our child?" "I feel like you've left me!" Even though I knew it was far from the truth, I knew he was near. He was in control...still on the throne, giving peace, granting grace. I've never been so tired in my life.
We did the next ultrasound Thursday with my fertility doctor who is a believer and I knew would be truthful with us. Jacob was in Chicago, so I went alone. I know that sounds crazy, but we had asked God to do what He was going to do, and He did. I was in a place of total peace as I drove to the med center. Life had slipped away, and I let go. This mommy had resolved that she would have peace and know where our baby was at that exact moment. The presence of God was in that room with me, overflowing through loving hands and hugs and great peace. Just as I had wondered only weeks before the exact moment that little heart took it's first beat, now I wondered when it had taken it's last. I did know that in that moment, all of heaven welcomed my sweet baby. Christ was there, just as he had been for our Grace.
We scheduled the surgery for the next day, July 10th. My parents left for vacation that day and Monday Jacob left for work in Chicago. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of bleeding (sorry to any guys who may read this). Other than by the grace of God, I don't know how I made it through those four days until J came home. The following week, I did my best to return to work and life. The bleeding picked back up and I did my best to focus on truth, knowing we'd turn a corner soon. To summarize, I ended up in the ER Tuesday night of this week because I was bleeding too much. It has been 17 days, how could I move to grieve the emotional when the physical was still here knocking me down? They checked for perforations and anything that may have been left from the surgery. I was about to come undone. I was shaking like a leaf as that doctor examined me. The Lord protected my health and the doctor was very kind and concluded that a blood vessel was causing all of this bleeding, but he really believed it was over. He told me to get some rest. My blood count was still good despite all of this, so we came home and here we are today with everything finally calming down.
Whew! Deep breath! Pause, pause. I'm going to be fine, a little wounded, walkin with a little limp (for you Sarah), BUT GOD.....He's been Abba. He's been Daddy to me, wrapping me in His arms. He's been my Comforter, my Rock, Savior, Peace, Hope, Lover of my soul, Faithful One, He's been perfect love and perfect peace. He's big enough, Lord over circumstances. Lord, over life, and over death. He never lets go.
"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder has ministered to me these past six weeks as we've walked in this valley. I found the You Tube version, and posted the link here for yall to listen. It's the perfect song of my heart. He never lets go. Lord, you do never let go. Thank you that you don't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8&feature=related
I'll start off by saying that my love for Christ grows more and more everyday and even in our circumstances I've never been more aware of His abiding grace and love, and just His presence. I've never known such love and felt such prayers being offered up on our behalf. Oh friends, how I'd hoped to put up the posts I had been writing and saving about our new baby, instead I write words I never thought I'd write again, tears I thought I'd never cry again, stream down my face. I'm back on the altar.
Memorial Day weekend we confirmed the news that I already knew in my heart. We were pregnant again, it took 13 cycles, but that test was proof in my hands. I wrote a scripture on a note card and took a picture of the test with it. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12 We were overjoyed. Our fertility doctor had confirmed that I had luteal phase defect (LPD) and needed progesterone support to help an embryo implant. Our first try, we were pregnant. It was the sweetest blessing, we were due the day before our second wedding anniversary, February 1, 2010.
I began the rigorous testing weekly, getting betas that measured the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body, as well as progesterone levels checked. Everything was going so well and I felt so blessed and begin to think about baby feet, baby clothes, nurseries, and how our lives would change. I begin to get a belly about 6 weeks into the pregnancy and we had our first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked wonderful. We had made an appt with a midwife and my doctor would pass me off at 9 weeks. At 8 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the baby was measuring small, but we saw a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yet the whole next week as I waited for a 9 week ultrasound, I was totally overwhelmed with anxiety. I prayed all day, every chance I had, I begged, I pleaded with the Lord to do something big. I remembered what he had pressed into my heart months before, "I CAN DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!" "Ok, Lord, please give us a miracle. We decided to go ahead and tell Jacob's parents that weekend, it was Father's Day.
Our nine week ultrasound confirmed the worst news I could hear, I HATE these words! "The pregnancy is not going to be viable." There was still a heartbeat, about 80 bpm, but no growth. She gave us some time alone in the dark room. I crumbled into Jacob's arms weeping with a pain unlike anything I'd ever felt. We were told to come back in two weeks and recheck, but there was no way I could wait that long. We walked out into that waiting room full of bellies and babies, and I wanted to run. The reality of it all was more than I could handle. We didn't say a word the whole way home, we made no phone calls, I just turned my face into his arm and wept. No one stopped asking for a miracle, we heard amazing stories of God doing incredible things. Our friends wept with us, prayed over us, approached the throne of grace on our behalf.
That following week I went in for another ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat, about 50 bpm. This doctor, an OB/GYN (not my wonderful fertility doc) told us that we would need to make a decision if we wanted to get results from the fetal testing, think about going ahead with the D&C. I was furious! I told her absolutely not! We weren't doing anything until there was no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for the following Monday and would come to her office first for another ultrasound to check again. Monday we showed up and I held so still to see if I was going into surgery that day. She strategically freeze-framed the baby, never getting close enough to see, but I saw the heartbeat. She told me it was mine, and I knew that wasn't the truth. She again mentioned how they needed to be able to grow more chromosomes and get the tissue to the pathologist. I told her that we needed a moment, I knew I needed to trust my heart. We walked across the street to my fertility doc's office, I had hives all over me because I was so upset. "Lord show us what to do." Jacob said if we were unsure at all, then we would cancel the surgery. Our pre-op check in was in 30 minutes. I prayed his nurses would be there, specifically D who was been so wonderful to us. Well, God worked it out and they were able to do an ultrasound and confirm a tiny heartbeat. I told them I understood the pregnancy wouldn't last, but that taking a life wasn't my place, it was God's. We cancelled the surgery with 15 minutes to spare and headed home, exhausted and overwhelmed. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like I was being tortured. I was breaking down, I felt weak and vulnerable. I've never felt so vulnerable spiritually, I begged God to fight this battle for me, to be strong in my weakness. I kept circling in my head, "his power is made perfect in my weakness." Honestly, I begged for him to come for me. That's the most real thing I could muster, "Lord, come for me." I wanted Him to take my hand and wipe away the tears. How could I not ask "why?" I'll be real honest here, many times I wondered, "God isn't it enough that we're losing our child?" "I feel like you've left me!" Even though I knew it was far from the truth, I knew he was near. He was in control...still on the throne, giving peace, granting grace. I've never been so tired in my life.
We did the next ultrasound Thursday with my fertility doctor who is a believer and I knew would be truthful with us. Jacob was in Chicago, so I went alone. I know that sounds crazy, but we had asked God to do what He was going to do, and He did. I was in a place of total peace as I drove to the med center. Life had slipped away, and I let go. This mommy had resolved that she would have peace and know where our baby was at that exact moment. The presence of God was in that room with me, overflowing through loving hands and hugs and great peace. Just as I had wondered only weeks before the exact moment that little heart took it's first beat, now I wondered when it had taken it's last. I did know that in that moment, all of heaven welcomed my sweet baby. Christ was there, just as he had been for our Grace.
We scheduled the surgery for the next day, July 10th. My parents left for vacation that day and Monday Jacob left for work in Chicago. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of bleeding (sorry to any guys who may read this). Other than by the grace of God, I don't know how I made it through those four days until J came home. The following week, I did my best to return to work and life. The bleeding picked back up and I did my best to focus on truth, knowing we'd turn a corner soon. To summarize, I ended up in the ER Tuesday night of this week because I was bleeding too much. It has been 17 days, how could I move to grieve the emotional when the physical was still here knocking me down? They checked for perforations and anything that may have been left from the surgery. I was about to come undone. I was shaking like a leaf as that doctor examined me. The Lord protected my health and the doctor was very kind and concluded that a blood vessel was causing all of this bleeding, but he really believed it was over. He told me to get some rest. My blood count was still good despite all of this, so we came home and here we are today with everything finally calming down.
Whew! Deep breath! Pause, pause. I'm going to be fine, a little wounded, walkin with a little limp (for you Sarah), BUT GOD.....He's been Abba. He's been Daddy to me, wrapping me in His arms. He's been my Comforter, my Rock, Savior, Peace, Hope, Lover of my soul, Faithful One, He's been perfect love and perfect peace. He's big enough, Lord over circumstances. Lord, over life, and over death. He never lets go.
"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder has ministered to me these past six weeks as we've walked in this valley. I found the You Tube version, and posted the link here for yall to listen. It's the perfect song of my heart. He never lets go. Lord, you do never let go. Thank you that you don't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8&feature=related
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