Praying & Trusting

I am in Houston working for the week, so it's been a pretty hectic week thus far. It's Jacob's first week of school, and I hate that I can't be there to pack his lunch and send him love notes. It's been pretty funny to talk about "college life" with him. "Of course I remember that Tuesday/Thursday classes begin on the half hour hunny. What was I thinking?!" Tonight he attended the Engineer's Society meeting and he told me that they provided free food. Get this.....chicken wings, mac and cheese, brownies, and ranch dressing for dipping!! Sick! He said it was quite a sight to see the nerds, I mean Engineering students devour it all. Some took leftovers on trays! Ah, the days of free food! Miss those. Wouldn't touch that meal with a ten foot pole.

I know you all must be wondering where we are in the journey to become parents. I haven't ever said much as far as treatments...only shared the tough-to-swallow aftermath. I have prayed a lot about sharing anything, but was praying on the way to work today and thought, "the people that do read this do really care and we need their prayers, so why not?!" I feel led to be honest with yall about where we are going and the outcomes, joys and heartaches. This is our first cycle to try injectibles. After so much prayer and thinking and prayer and back and forth reasoning....you get the idea, we decided to give this a try. My doctor really thinks that doing FSH injections will give us a good chance to get pregnant with a good egg. FSH is made naturally by the female brain before ovulation at the beginning of the cycle. It allows the follicle to develop and estrogen begins to rise before ovulation. We are using extra FSH to produce more follicles that are hopefully more stable than the one I generally make every month. Yes, there is a high risk of multiples. No, my doctor won't let me get pregnant with 8 babies! Don't panic. He is monitoring me very closely to make sure I have no more than three. The rest is up to the Lord. I've been giving myself injections all week and see him Friday morning to see where I am and when we push ovulation. So much prayer has gone into this decision. Jacob and I have been asking God to do what he's going to do and we trust Him. I had planned to be here in Houston a month ago and we ordered the medicine from London three weeks ago. My cycle had to begin last week on Thursday or Friday for us to start the injections at the right time. You have to begin injections on cycle day 3-5. I had to be here for an appointment Monday to have another Friday before I left to go home. I had a lot of peace. If it didn't come, it wouldn't work. No big deal, just not the cycle or month to try. I wasn't necessarily "throwing out a fleece" either, just really felt a peace that God would work all the details out if he wanted us to move forward. Well, everything happened right on time and so I went to my first appointment Monday morning. That's a huge deal considering that I have had two 40 days cycles since the loss in July and everything has been extremely unpredictable. We are so excited and really hopeful.

I sit here today with such an overwhelming peace in my heart that had really been robbed from me over the last four months. I need to confess to yall that I had not been trusting the Lord, seeking to have a quiet heart, having patience, and waiting on Him. I was holding a lot of bitterness in and I distanced myself from my Abba. I hate that. I love him so much and need him desperately. These last few months, I've only been going through the motions and in survival mode, wasting time that could have been used for great glory. Ugh, Lord please break me and make me more like you. I am deeply flawed and so battle my flesh. My sweet husband has covered me in prayer, and I mean covered. My man went to war for me in prayer, fighting with the Word against those things that he saw tying me to emptiness. I love him. What a gift he is! Precious, precious gift. Well, I am back yall. Just so filled with my Lord's presence and overwhelmed by his grace. He's so changed my heart, as he always does..when I give up the control.

I have a new prayer. I've been praying this prayer for a few weeks now. It goes a little something like this: "Lord, if it brings you the greatest glory to give us a baby, then Lord give us a baby. But if it brings you more glory to not allow us to get pregnant, then we'll submit that desire to you with our whole hearts. Lord, if it brings you more glory for us to lose another baby, then we trust you in that too. Increase our faith.....increase your glory."

Hard prayer to pray and I know those of you that have journeyed with us in our losses are cringing at the thought of us losing another child. It's a real hard one for me too, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. I don't want that to be the outcome...but I know he has gone before me and he is with me. It boggles my mind to think of the miracle that is life and not see the hand of God wrapped completely around it. I can't change my Lord's will for my life, I can just trust that "he's working out everything for my good."

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

He's so faithful, been so faithful to the Martins. We're trusting him in this and believing Him to do great things in our lives and greater things for eternity. Pray for us in this sweet friends. Pray for a miracle, but more importantly....pray for us to stand on faith and glorify God together no matter the outcome. Jacob and I have hearts enlarging towards adoption. We are thrilled about bringing home a baby to be apart of our family. What a picture it is of Christ and our being "adopted" through his sacrifice on the cross. I firmly believe that we will adopt even if we are blessed to have children of our own. This excites me so much, I can't even stand it! I have great hope for our future and He has all the plans for that future.

Bless yall.

Our New Home!!!

We are finally settled! Hooray! I think we have two boxes left, which will require patience and getting out the shredder. We really love it here! It's a beautiful neighborhood with jogging trails, a dog park, and it's own library. We have wonderful neighbors, who we have been praying for and getting to know. Genuinely sweet people. Our dogs are on cloud nine with the backyard. I can't get them to come inside! We love having a backyard too and my husband is gearing up for his first big project, the Spring garden. Austin really is a beautiful city and has a slower pace about it. We're excited to be here and see what God has in store for us.

We had our first guests. My parents came to stay with us last weekend. That was fun with four dogs in the house!! Since we are visiting churches, they came with us to a sweet little church on Sunday. We had a lot of fun, mom and I decorating, and the boys off at the movies. Sound about right??

I am recovering from busy season and traveling over Christmas. It about did me in. It's been really nice working from home and given me an opportunity to de-stress. I have already found an amazing team of naturopaths here in Austin to help take care of me and that's been such a blessing. Having a macrobiotic restaurant here that serves all organic, vegan food has also been amazing! There have been so many nights that I have been too tired to cook and so we can still get a healthy meal. If you ever are in town and want a truly amazing meal, then you must try Casa De Luz, http://www.casadeluz.org/.

As promised, here are pictures of our new home:


The view from the street
Entrance to my office The big, open kitchen, love it

Here's the breakfast nook off the living area and kitchen

The backyard, it wraps around on both sides of the house. To the right of the deck is where my garden is going this Spring

The view from the back door

The stone fireplace, one of my favorite things

The living area

Reflections of 2009

Another year has come and has gone. Isn't it every year that we evaluate on this day, who we are, where we've come, and what we long to be. It has been an emotional morning for me as I awoke and reflected. I just happened to watch the "year in review" on prime time and am amazed at all the major events that happened in 2009. Some great and noble, some clouded in scandal, and mostly sadness. I am reminded of a fallen world, so in need of a redeeming Savior. My heart was overwhelmed as I was reminded of the suffering economy and those without jobs and relying on welfare to survive. I have much to be thankful for and am so, so blessed.

A year ago today, I lost my sweet grandmother. I told Jacob yesterday how I couldn't believe that it's been a year. How I miss her! Yet, I know where she is and am comforted by the very Presence that she dwells with this very second.

Christmas was really difficult for me this year. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, so hang with me here because it will get better, I promise! As much as I prayed to turn my focus on what Christmas really means, I felt truly sad in my heart. I couldn't help but feel the weight of my empty arms and empty belly. As the twins would-be due date gets closer and closer, I am filled with sorrow. I battled my flesh to the point of emotional exhaustion. Do I trust the Lord? Yes! Do I believe he is for me? Absolutely. Then "why so downcast, oh my soul?" I can't even put it into words, I feel incomplete sometimes, like a piece of the puzzle is missing. I'll be honest enough and say that these last couple months have been extremely difficult with all the change, the stress of work, and my body not working. I've been distant, I've let the enemy distract and torture me with his lies. I imagine every women who battles with loss or infertility gets to this place at some point in their journey. It's a lonely, lonely place. To my sisters who walk this road, I pray for you. Trust in the Almighty, he has not abandoned you. Nor has he abandoned me. He is with me, he has gone before me.

Here we are, in a new place....with new visions and places and people. I know God has great purpose for us here, for me, for Jacob...with who he has designed for us to meet and where he has hand-picked for us to minister and to serve. Our purpose is to glorify his name in all we do. It's a new day.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?" Isaiah 43:18-19

I am believing God for who he is this year. I am setting my heart to have a deeper faith, the kind that steps when there is no step and believes God to make one. Oh Lord, please continue to enlarge my faith! I long to be a woman that prays more and speaks less. Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear! I pray that I can love others deeply with the love of Christ. I have so much more to learn and miles to go. I am thankful for a new year that can be an incredible year.

So, yeah 2010! Here come the Martins! I hope you are ready for us.

I Promise We're Alive!

Hey friends...we're still here! It's been a crazy-busy last month. Here we are today, less than two weeks from moving to Austin and we haven't lifted a finger to pack! Let me start with updates on all the news since the last post:

-Jacob was laid off from his job. He turned down a project in Detroit, funny since he had just left there. We had hoped that he'd work right up until school, but God had other plans. He was given a severance package, so the Lord totally provided. It's really been a blessing, as he's been able to really help me around the house and with the dogs.

-We found an amazing house in Austin! We're so excited about the home God has blessed us with. It has three bedrooms and a beautiful study for me. It has a big open kitchen with gas, a real fireplace in the living room(I can't wait to build a fire), and no carpet in the whole place. It has a beautiful backyard with a built-up deck, perfect for entertaining. The outside is the traditional Austin off-white stone with some great trees in the front yard. I can't wait to share pictures of it.

-We had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with the Martins. My mother-in-law prepared a lovely meal and I made desserts. Only the Ags beating TU would have made it better.

-We celebrated our last small group and had a holiday potluck with our precious friends who we will miss dearly. Our last Sunday at our church is next week and it's so bittersweet. God has done amazing works in our lives there, there are some incredible memories there that I will cherish in my heart. I pray that if we come back to Houston, God brings us back "home."

-I took a hunting trip with my dad last weekend and it was such a sweet time. My husband was gracious to let me go for the weekend.

-The Lord is renewing my heart and giving me such peace in this time of BIG transition.

-God is also moving our hearts towards adoption, not that we are still not trying, praying, and hoping for children of our own, but we believe in adoption and that incredible blessings are coming however and whenever the Lord chooses.

I promise more pics and more updates soon! Blessings!

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

We trust God in everything, He's been the way-maker for us. He has his hand in every step of this path we've been journeying down and it's incredibly evident to us. The past months we've been praying about Jacob's job and making a BIG change. My husband has been unhappy in this job since we met. We're tired of being away from each other and realize it's not ever going to be the life we can best serve the Lord with. This has been such a hard season, and God has really taught my man some amazing lessons. He has humbled Jacob deeply and I've watched God do a mighty work in his heart. Even though it was at times hard to witness, I praise God for teaching him patience, contentment, and quiet trust. The harder part was that he didn't really know what he was going to do next. He prayed about his passions, met with men who encouraged him and helped him to trust in God's perfect timing. He waited on the Lord, even though his soul was aching and all he wanted was to be here with me, especially as we suffered with our losses. The Lord led him one day to think about a path that really excited him. Let me digress for those that don't know him personally. My husband is a dreamer, he often comes up with these crazy ideas about where we should go or what we should do. Somedays it's buying a ranch and other times moving to California. It's hard for this type A, color-between-the-lines girl. I didn't know how it would shake out, if it would be another "pipe dream." I think I'm learning that part of being "one" is seeing life through each other's eyes, daring each other to dream big in God's plan, even if that means we step outside of our own wants and desires and "fairy-tale" dreams.

So we went from looking at houses to buy, to researching schools and programs. We moved into an apartment back in the city short-term and asked God to be God and prayed hard. He applied back to UT where he received his business undergrad and specifically applied for the Petroleum Engineering program. During this interim, we both felt strongly that this would be the "next step." I was terrified. I had such a peace about going and Jacob going back to school.....but I let the minor, minute details send me pacing. I really had to let a lot of my selfish desires go. My desire to settle in a home...the "white picket fence" dream. My desire to stop working. My desire to be here in Houston, where it's comfortable...we have our families 30 minutes away, our friends, our incredible church where I've been for the last six years, work just around the corner. "Everyone else gets to do that, why not me?" Ugliness. I really struggle with comparing myself to other people, probably one of my greatest struggles. I have this idea in my head of where we should be and what we should be doing. I'm 28 for crying out loud.....my life is almost over!! I'm about to be on the upswing to 50 and I have fine-lines forming and bones that creak! I'm only joking, but seriously.

I've had a lot of time to reflect, we've been married 1 yr and nine months and I've noticed a recurring theme. God isn't letting us be comfortable. He's just not. That doesn't make him mean, that makes him God. He's got a work to do in us, and he knows comfortable is complacency. That's a hard truth for me. Does this mean Jacob and I are always going to be going through trials the rest of out lives? No, but it means that he does have something planned for us, something he's doing in us, so he can then do something through us. Do I wish it was different? No. Maybe. Every once in a while(enter smiley face emoticon here). I do know that he knows best and so I climb back up on the Potter's wheel, because I still have quite a few rough edges.

Well, God is good. Jacob has been accepted into the Petroleum Engineering program at UT and we're moving to Austin in less than two months. Yikes. It is hard, I am very excited and sad too. There is much here that even two and a half hours of distance will change. Yet, we know that God isn't "sending us out" just for Jacob to go back to school and get a degree, but because he has purpose for our lives in Austin. Great purpose, I believe. Lots and lots of prayers for us as we iron out all the details, living situation, me working remotely, moving, financial aid for tuition.

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these 40 years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you or your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. For the Lord God is bringing you into a good land----a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey, a land where bread will not be scare and you will lack nothing." Deut 8:2-3; 7-9

Can you imagine the Israelites excitement as they are waiting to cross into the promised land? The land of promises fulfilled and blessings abundant. I can close my eyes and just imagine. Now, we know the "land of the Longhorns" isn't the "promised land", but I believe for the Martins it will be a "good land."

Yummy Good-for-You Carrot Cake!

I made this recipe for my sweet friend Becky Kiser last week after we got our tail ends kicked at a yoga class. It's not too difficult and makes the house smell amazing! The recipe uses barley malt and brown rice syrup....my two sweeteners of choice. They are mostly complex carbs and not simple sugars as is refined white sugar, so they are released into the blood slower, providing fuel for the body instead of creating the ups and downs we experience when we eat simple sugars.

Gingered Carrot Cake with Orange Carmel Glaze

Cake:

1 cup of pecan pieces

3 cups of whole wheat pastry flour

1 T of baking powder

1/4 t of sea salt

1 t of powdered ginger

1 t of ground cinnamon

2 1/2 cups of grated carrots

1/2 cup of unsweetened apple sauce

1/2 cup of light olive oil

1/2 brown rice syrup

1 t of pure vanilla extract

1/2 to 2/3 cup of Eden brand Rice and Soy blend or vanilla soy milk

Preheat oven to 275 and spread pecans on a baking sheet. Bake about 15 minutes, or until fragrant. Cool and coarsely dice. Set aside. Lightly oil and flour a 10inch bundt pan. Increase oven to 325.

Combine flour, baking powder, salt, and spices in a mixing bowl. Whisk briskly. Stir in carrots, applesauce, oil, syrup, and vanilla. Slowly add Rice & Soy blend to make thick, spoonable batter. Fold in pecans. Spoon into the prepared pan.

Bake 45 to 50 minutes, or until the center springs back to the touch or an inserted tooth pick comes out clean. Allow the cake to cool in pan for 10 minutes before inverting onto a serving platter. Cool completely before glazing.

Glaze:

1/4 cup of Eden Rice and Soy Blend or vanilla soy milk.

1/2 cup of brown rice syrup

2 T of barley malt

Grated zest of one orange

Orange slices for garnish

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan and cook over medium heat until mixture foams. Reduce heat to low and cook until mixture reduces and thickens, 5 to 7 minutes. Immediately spoon over cake, repeating glaze for several coats until it's used up. Garnish with orange slices and serve.

One More Week!

I can't believe I am writing this...this time next weekend Jacob will be done traveling!! What a cause for celebration. Party at our place....just kidding! Friends, it's been a long, lonely Spring/Summer/first month of Fall. Jacob has been traveling every weekend since the end of March. I spend my weeks without him, just me and the pups. Thank goodness for them!

We are SO ready, so thrilled that this is the end! I can't even describe how ready I am. Of course with the end comes prayers for what's next. We are praying that his company keeps him here through the end of the year. We are praying for the plans God has next. If Jacob is sent off on another out of town project, we are trusting God, acting in faith, and he is resigning. That's scary given this economic climate, but we do feel like He's preparing the way for something bigger, already in the works. I can share all of this in a few weeks when we feel like we're at a final decision. We've asked God to BOLDLY show us His plan, and He's definitely giving us that blessing thus far. He's always been faithful, so who would we be to doubt His plan or path?

"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will act." Psalm 37:5

We trust Him for our future. It's really easy for me to be afraid, I don't do well with change. Let me rephrase....I am terrible with change! This is coming from the woman who multi-tasks in the shower everyday....the same routine. Sick, isn't it? I feel like even in walking down His path, I still need to "gather the necessities" as if God doesn't provide everything we need. In fact, everything we have is his. I am begging him to help me relinquish that need to be in some false sense of control. Because, let me tell you, we are not in control and I know that...but I think I claim to know it, yet don't really believe it deep within my soul. I want to be a woman who sits back and says, "today, Lord is yours and I won't stress, I won't fret, I won't worry......I'll just live for you and seek to glorify you in all I do." Wow, am I thankful that he is full of grace because lately I feel like I need a lot of grace.

We continue to pray for our family, my body is finally normal again. It took a while for hormones to readjust. Another praise! God has purpose even in that. We trust Him and deep in our hearts believe he is going to give us a family.

We are excited to be together again, as husbands and wives should be. Yet, we don't doubt that God had great purpose in our being apart these past months. He's done amazing things as we've had to seek him for everything, as distance kept us from relying on each other. In my loneliness specifically this past week, he's been here with me revealing himself and really encouraging my heart.

So please keep us in your continued prayers, as changes are ahead for the Martins, but as they often are, changes that will surely be great blessings.


-C