Praying & Trusting

I am in Houston working for the week, so it's been a pretty hectic week thus far. It's Jacob's first week of school, and I hate that I can't be there to pack his lunch and send him love notes. It's been pretty funny to talk about "college life" with him. "Of course I remember that Tuesday/Thursday classes begin on the half hour hunny. What was I thinking?!" Tonight he attended the Engineer's Society meeting and he told me that they provided free food. Get this.....chicken wings, mac and cheese, brownies, and ranch dressing for dipping!! Sick! He said it was quite a sight to see the nerds, I mean Engineering students devour it all. Some took leftovers on trays! Ah, the days of free food! Miss those. Wouldn't touch that meal with a ten foot pole.

I know you all must be wondering where we are in the journey to become parents. I haven't ever said much as far as treatments...only shared the tough-to-swallow aftermath. I have prayed a lot about sharing anything, but was praying on the way to work today and thought, "the people that do read this do really care and we need their prayers, so why not?!" I feel led to be honest with yall about where we are going and the outcomes, joys and heartaches. This is our first cycle to try injectibles. After so much prayer and thinking and prayer and back and forth reasoning....you get the idea, we decided to give this a try. My doctor really thinks that doing FSH injections will give us a good chance to get pregnant with a good egg. FSH is made naturally by the female brain before ovulation at the beginning of the cycle. It allows the follicle to develop and estrogen begins to rise before ovulation. We are using extra FSH to produce more follicles that are hopefully more stable than the one I generally make every month. Yes, there is a high risk of multiples. No, my doctor won't let me get pregnant with 8 babies! Don't panic. He is monitoring me very closely to make sure I have no more than three. The rest is up to the Lord. I've been giving myself injections all week and see him Friday morning to see where I am and when we push ovulation. So much prayer has gone into this decision. Jacob and I have been asking God to do what he's going to do and we trust Him. I had planned to be here in Houston a month ago and we ordered the medicine from London three weeks ago. My cycle had to begin last week on Thursday or Friday for us to start the injections at the right time. You have to begin injections on cycle day 3-5. I had to be here for an appointment Monday to have another Friday before I left to go home. I had a lot of peace. If it didn't come, it wouldn't work. No big deal, just not the cycle or month to try. I wasn't necessarily "throwing out a fleece" either, just really felt a peace that God would work all the details out if he wanted us to move forward. Well, everything happened right on time and so I went to my first appointment Monday morning. That's a huge deal considering that I have had two 40 days cycles since the loss in July and everything has been extremely unpredictable. We are so excited and really hopeful.

I sit here today with such an overwhelming peace in my heart that had really been robbed from me over the last four months. I need to confess to yall that I had not been trusting the Lord, seeking to have a quiet heart, having patience, and waiting on Him. I was holding a lot of bitterness in and I distanced myself from my Abba. I hate that. I love him so much and need him desperately. These last few months, I've only been going through the motions and in survival mode, wasting time that could have been used for great glory. Ugh, Lord please break me and make me more like you. I am deeply flawed and so battle my flesh. My sweet husband has covered me in prayer, and I mean covered. My man went to war for me in prayer, fighting with the Word against those things that he saw tying me to emptiness. I love him. What a gift he is! Precious, precious gift. Well, I am back yall. Just so filled with my Lord's presence and overwhelmed by his grace. He's so changed my heart, as he always does..when I give up the control.

I have a new prayer. I've been praying this prayer for a few weeks now. It goes a little something like this: "Lord, if it brings you the greatest glory to give us a baby, then Lord give us a baby. But if it brings you more glory to not allow us to get pregnant, then we'll submit that desire to you with our whole hearts. Lord, if it brings you more glory for us to lose another baby, then we trust you in that too. Increase our faith.....increase your glory."

Hard prayer to pray and I know those of you that have journeyed with us in our losses are cringing at the thought of us losing another child. It's a real hard one for me too, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. I don't want that to be the outcome...but I know he has gone before me and he is with me. It boggles my mind to think of the miracle that is life and not see the hand of God wrapped completely around it. I can't change my Lord's will for my life, I can just trust that "he's working out everything for my good."

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

He's so faithful, been so faithful to the Martins. We're trusting him in this and believing Him to do great things in our lives and greater things for eternity. Pray for us in this sweet friends. Pray for a miracle, but more importantly....pray for us to stand on faith and glorify God together no matter the outcome. Jacob and I have hearts enlarging towards adoption. We are thrilled about bringing home a baby to be apart of our family. What a picture it is of Christ and our being "adopted" through his sacrifice on the cross. I firmly believe that we will adopt even if we are blessed to have children of our own. This excites me so much, I can't even stand it! I have great hope for our future and He has all the plans for that future.

Bless yall.