God's Plan

I wish I had different news for yall. Yesterday I had a faint line, which I knew meant another chemical pregnancy. Today, nothing. I had the strongest pregnancy symptoms I've ever had and I knew that I was pregnant. God just had other plans. As hard as it is to reconcile, I know God is for me. I have been claiming his peace and his love over me as a banner.


We went to church yesterday even though I felt like hiding in my covers. We were running a little late, so we sat in the back on the bleachers. The band started Blessed Be Your Name. I could feel hot tears running down my face, so glad it was dark. I could hardly sing, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, but in my heart I shouted every word with all that I had. I couldn't lift my hands, but I lifted my eyes to Him.

I haven't stopped praying my prayer, for glory to Him and Him alone in this. Last week I met with an amazing woman. She and her husband tried for 11 years with losses and seasons of infertility before the Lord 'woke them" to the idea of adoption. It was then 2 more years, with some adoption losses and deep heartache before the Lord gave them their little boy. So humbling for me. She reminded me that the blessing of a child would be the most amazing and incredible gift...one that I would never take for granted after walking this road. I believe that with all of my heart.

So, we move forward like we prayed to adoption. There are three agencies that we are praying over. Our first step is to pick one, be accepted by them, and then start the application and homestudy process. So exciting! I have been reading through an amazing book called Adopted for Life. It's completely blown my little heart away on Christ's call to the church to "care for the orphan." I am even more blown away by our church that has such heart for adoption and assists in helping families bring these precious children home.

We aren't giving up on having biological children. We believe God could totally blow us away with an amazing miracle! I will keep taking great care of myself with my team of naturopaths. I think we will take a few months off, I really want to focus on ministry and adoption paperwork. I also may do another HSG (surgery to check out the whole reproductive area) if our doc agrees. I feel like we may need to look for some scar tissue as a result of the surgery from July. We'll see what his thoughts are.

Thank yall for your prayers, love, support....everything. We know God has a family for us, picked from the beginning of time and carried in our hearts. During these last two weeks I had two different dreams that I was pregnant. The second one on Saturday night was incredible. I had a inside view of the womb and this precious baby girl that was growing. I am not sure that it was my own womb, but it was amazing! She was tiny and beautiful, living and growing. I cried in the dream as I watched her, front row seat to the miracle of life and the power of God. I am no dream interpreter, but I believe she is mine. Not sure where she'll come from and when she'll be here, but I was overwhelmed with what I believe was a little gift from God. I can still see her as vivid as ever. We long for that blessing, we wait patiently for God's timing and the great and glorious way he'll reveal it to us. Keep praying for me, for my heart to see God's abundant love and faithfulness, even when I don't understand and that I won't question his plan....but see Him as a loving and giving Creator who is working all things for our good.

The verse that's been on my heart these last two weeks is Psalm 20:

"May he grant you your heart's desire and fufill all your plans!...... Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer them from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright."